Acknowledgement is not Agreement

 There’s been a shift in the world, in the way in which we treat one another. Have you felt it?

I have started to notice it more and more in the last maybe 5 years or so, that something changed.

There have been disagreements since the beginning of time, but it feels like no one is agreeing to disagree anymore.

Cyber bullying is exploding all over social media and one of the biggest triggers these days is politics.

There are so many keyboard warriors ready to attack, because thanks to our social media platforms; they often know our opinions, before they really know us.

There’s a local resident’s page in my little town, where so many fights happen on the regular and I sit there in wonder; that all these people are neighbors and are going to run into each other in our only grocery store the next day! Do you think they won’t recognize you from your profile picture? Goodness! I’d wear a paper bag on my head if I was talking to my neighbors online, like so many people I’ve witnessed do!

 I wonder how far we’ve fallen that we don’t know what it means to be a good neighbor anymore.

It used to be that our family, friendships and acquaintances weren’t defined and more importantly weren’t ended, based on if we were Republican or Democrat. 

There used to be a civility between us, that no matter what opinions we differed in, at the end of the day we recognized that we were still neighbors, friends or family and that we still have more common threads that bind us, then divide us. 

Now, you see people making grand declarations on their Facebook pages, “If you voted for So-So, unfriend me now!” Really?

I made a resolution this year that no matter how much I may not agree foundationally with someone’s opinions, that I would be quiet and hear them out; so that I could understand what life experience led them to that point of view. That way, I could marry their strong points of view, with who they are aside from our clashing perspectives. It makes it easier to find common ground.   

I wanted to make sure that on the most basic level, I was respecting them as a human being, who has the right to their opinions.

That’s what’s really wrong now. There is so little respect to be found in OUR generation. So, what are we modeling for our kids? You see the bullying starting at quite honestly, unacceptable ages nowadays. You see children with no respect for their parents, their elders, their authority figures and most importantly, themselves. WE have to change, if we want them to be kind, tolerant and loving to the world around them, not just the people who think exactly like them.

 What are we showing our kids if we unfriend, stop speaking to or otherwise ostracize people in our lives that don’t share our points of views? That they shouldn’t accept differences? What happens the next time THEY meet someone who is a bit different in their lives? Perhaps the lack of being inclusive to kids who have special needs or kids that stand out, and the bullying and subsequent suicides of these beautiful children who are FAR too young to even be thinking like this; is a reflection of what they see the adults in their lives doing, on some scale.

All these blood baths we’ve seen in the last several elections due to politics, cannot define our culture and our future.

You can acknowledge people who think differently than you.

We never know what experiences shape a person’s perspective and we don’t have the right to invalidate their viewpoints, because we don’t agree.

You can stand up for what you believe is right, without stepping on people to do it.

You can communicate effectively and get your points across, while not being condescending and calling those who don’t see things your way, names.

We have to come together and understand that acknowledgement is NOT agreement.

 I don’t have to agree with who you voted for or what your lifestyle is and you don’t have to think like me or understand why I make the choices I make. But just because we don’t see eye to eye, that doesn’t mean we should disrespect, ignore or berate each other. I still owe it to you, to acknowledge you as a person and treat you with love and respect.

A tremendous lack of love is what we’re dealing with now in our world, in our children, in our friendships.

My faith tells me that loving my neighbor as myself, is my highest calling. How could we change the world and the course we’re on, if we put a bigger priority on loving people, than we did on being right?

What would happen if you made a promise to yourself, that you wouldn’t ever insult another human being; just because they thought differently than you?

What shift would we see, if we opened up friendly and respectful dialogues among family, friends, and co-workers and ended those conversations with a hand shake and a sheepish; “Agree to disagree?”

How amazing would it be if we started talking TO people, instead of ABOUT them? Imagine the problems we could solve!

What if we stop contributing to the disrespect and ugliness, we are all so tired of and start being the change we want to see in the world and more importantly the change our kids NEED to see happen? We have the power to adjust the course we’re on, so that they have a bright and beautiful world to look forward to.

People change and evolve. Politicians come and go.Sometimes our opinions even evolve, as we do. However, some people we may never see eye to eye with. The next time you are confronted by a person who doesn’t see things the way you do, try to take a step back and view them for the whole person they are, not just for their differing points of view. Then try to approach each person with a foundational love and respect for them as your fellow humans. Let love lead the way, because love…love is what matters.

Find Your Voice

Motherhood is uniquely experienced by all. No two mothers are the same and no two babies are the same. So understandably, we all go through a trying to figure out what is best for us phase of parenthood.

We receive unsolicited advice from every well-meaning acquaintance we’ve ever met. We are bombarded on social media with everything we should or should not be doing. We are surrounded by constant “tips” that for a first time Mom, can be incredibly overwhelming. Enter me…

As a first-time mother of a baby with special needs, I questioned myself at every turn.

When she was first born and they told me she had a cleft palate and hearing loss, I almost immediately had a nervous breakdown in the hospital after they gave me a little brochure that stated that the absolute cause of clefts is unknown, but some contributing factors may be medications mother took in pregnancy, stress in pregnancy, mother’s weight, etc.

Oh my gosh, those all apply! This is all my fault, I thought. They sent in a counselor to talk to me as I cried that I didn’t know how I was going to take care of her.

 He asked me, “Are you going to love her?”

“Well of course”, I replied.

“Do you have a home prepared for her or is she going to live in a dresser drawer?” He questioned me.

“I have everything ready for her.” I said through tears. “I have been waiting for her my whole life.”

 “Well then”, he says, “You will learn about how to care for her the way she needs and you will love her and 

everything is going to be okay. I think you can do this.”

And do it, I did. With great fear and trembling, I took this little person home and dove head first into therapies, specialists, surgeons, special feedings and medical grade equipment in the house.

I learned how to put one foot in front of the other each day and to be what she needed, even when all my strength was gone.

I had to find MY voice as her mother, which was my greatest struggle the first 2 years of her life. I was surrounded by doctors and specialists who all thought they knew what she needed, more than I did. As a first time Mom in her twenties, it took a long time for me to realize that I know something more than they do. I know HER. My body grew her. My arms carry her. My heart aches with every little cry she utters. I know her every pattern, every sigh, every look.

 I know how to advocate for her better than anyone. I learned to trust my gut feeling and be strong for her, when I needed to.

I discovered a protectiveness that I’ve never felt for anyone else.

I formed a bond that not a person on this Earth can hold a candle to.

I watch my heart walking outside my body everywhere she goes.

Being a Mama is so heart wrenchingly beautiful. We have been given such an amazing intuition and we know our kids like no one else can.

 There are enough relatives and random strangers out there to second guess us, so let’s not do it to ourselves.

I am not going to lie, by the time I had my 2^nd and 3^rd kids, I was like a tiny Dictator to anyone who tried to give me unsolicited advice, because I trusted myself this time. I vowed to not pickup another parenting book unless it really encouraged me and uplifted me. I unsubscribed to all the “What your baby should be doing every flipping week” e-mails, because they were stressful! 

I stopped asking everyone else what they thought I should do and started to ask myself what was right for MY children.

Find your voice, Mama. Trust yourself. Give yourself grace for not knowing what you didn’t know before. Arm yourself with knowledge. Free yourself from the opinions of others.

 I always say, as long as I know I did my absolute best and my children know they are utterly loved, when my head hits the pillow each night; I can sleep in peace. Sleep tight, Mommy…for however many hours it will be till your babies crawl in bed, to find their safe place in your arms once again.

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Mama's Boy

“Baby, I need you to stop crying about everything.” I say to my 4 year old son, followed by a heavy sigh.

Another day, another sob fest about something that broke his little heart. He is my sensitive soul, my middle child, my gentle spirit.

I will painfully admit, that I don’t always handle his sensitivities in the most patient way; like my kindred gentle soul whispers to me that I should. I get frustrated at the amount of calming and coaxing I have to do. I get tired of every disappointment ending in a river of tears.

 But then I consider what kind of young man he is going to become, with all the love and sweetness he possesses and I know it’ll be a beautiful thing. Honestly, there’s not even one part of me that wants to “toughen him up.”

I watch him show an affection and tenderness for his little brother, that not a lot of boys his age are known for.

I hear him ask me to hold him many times a day, because his 

little spirit needs that physical connection to recharge and I 

think of how affectionate and loving he will grow up to be.

I listen in admiration (And a bit of exhaustion) as he expresses his feelings. “Mommy, I’m so disappointed because I didn’t get a date with you today.”       “Mom, it made me feel so frustrated when you said I have to share my new toy. It’s special to me.”                               

“Mommy, I had a really overwhelming day.”               

                                             

I can just imagine the amazing communication skills he will have in his future, that at 4 years old he can spell out his feelings instead of just turning it all into anger; as too many men in this world do.

I see all the building blocks of the amazing man he will become, if I can just nurture and embrace his sensitive spirit and not break it.

It’s hard, Mama’s. If you have an emotional, sensitive or “clingy” boy; you are not alone. I know it can take every ounce of you most days…to acknowledge, to reaffirm, to embrace, to encourage, to love unconditionally.

When his big emotions are taking over, take a step back and remember that you are the calm in his storm.

 When he trusts you enough to tell you all the things that made his day overwhelming, whether they be big or small, take a deep breath and model empathy and concern for his feelings.

When he climbs up in your lap and begs you, “Hold me, Mama. I’m having a hard day” Think of what a gift it is, that you are his safe place. You are the one he knows he can cast all his cares on.

They’ll outgrow our laps, but they’ll always be our sweet little boys in their hearts and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

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Love What Matters

My story was published by Love What Matters!!
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Wonder Woman: A Lesson in Self Love from an 8 Year Old

Sometimes it takes having a heartfelt conversation with a child, to give you the perspective you were missing in your life. This is often the case with my 8 years old daughter, who is wise and kind beyond her years. She sees me in a way, that I have not yet learned to see myself. She places value on things and gives me credit for things, that I don’t ever give myself a pat on the back for. As backwards as it may sound, she is my role model as much as I am hers sometimes.

So many of us speak to ourselves, using unkind and invalidating words. We look in the mirror and say things to the reflection, that we would never say to our friends or family or really anyone we even slightly liked! It would absolutely break my heart if my daughter or my sons, viewed themselves in the same negative light, in which I view myself so often. Some of the negativity can stem from our thoughts about our external appearance, but deep down it’s usually just a deep insecurity and lack of embracing ourselves and being proud of who we are, inside and out. It’s about never really learning to love ourselves.

 I have always struggled with how I looked and with self-love, from as young an age as I can recall. Growing up, my thoughts, feelings and sometimes very existence were continually invalidated. This programmed me to believe, that I wasn’t worth anything. As I analyze my roots and why I am the way that I am, I can see how “Never being good enough” in general; became the lens through which I viewed every aspect of my appearance.

I grew up in Hawaii from the time I was 7 and I was significantly taller than most of the people there and was always asked if I was a basketball player. Not asked like it was a normal question, but asked in amazement, as they gawked up at me; as if I was a real life giant! Awkward…in hind sight, I shouldn’t have worn heels that made me 6 feet tall either. That probably didn’t help my case.

I hated the size of my feet, that my Mother always lovingly reminded me was necessary to support my height or I’d tip right over!

I was always at war with my weight, but more than my weight; I couldn’t stand my bone structure. Even at my absolute thinnest, I was never going to be the short, petite girl I wished I was.

I always see my Dad’s nose when I look in the mirror and it is my least favorite feature on my face.

I see wrinkles forming under my eyes, which I choose to believe are temporary, due to a teething toddler; rather than a permanent addition to my facial features!

I see scars everywhere from the life I’ve survived. I see signs of the wear and tear, that having 3 children has had on me.

Despite my sadly constant critiques of myself, I have been very careful to not speak these things out loud around my daughter or to in anyway encourage her to view herself with anything but self-love and acceptance. I didn’t want her to grow up like I did.

At the same time that I am watching her love herself and have absolute confidence in who she is, I am trying to grow to love myself even a touch of how much she does.

I watch her giggle when I point out the cute freckles she’s getting around her nose. I observe her proudly showing off the new band colors on her braces to all her friends, without even a thought that anyone would NOT think they were super cool. She boldly and in a hilarious, proud sort of way, will declare what she weighs to ANY one. There is nothing about herself that she doubts or despises, as it should be. She owns her style and everything about who she is. She is absolutely happy with herself and how many of us can say that?!

On a regular basis, in her own little ways and by her sweet example, I am taught self-love.

Recently, we both got dressed up for our community’s Trunk or Treat, in matching outfits of her choosing. Now, I am not a dress up for Halloween type…at ALL. But our kids chose our costumes and dang it, her Dad and I were going to embarrass ourselves and wear them!

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I immediately started mentally critiquing myself and thinking how I look nothing like Wonder Woman…or any super hero for that matter!

While I was in my own head, I heard my daughter quickly tell my Husband, “She really IS Wonder Woman, you know. She takes care of 3 kids ALL the time. She is really nice. She buys THOUSANDS of Christmas presents and she does everything with a smile on her face.”

My heart just stopped for a minute. She sees who I am, who I really am. Not my wrinkles, or my figure or my clown sized feet! She sees my heart, my positive outlook, my giving spirit, my love for others, my dedication to this family and my semi ridiculous love for all things Christmas. I mean, I must be a LITTLE crazy to buy THOUSANDS of presents, y’all.

I instantly wished that I could learn to see myself the way she does and made a commitment for the millionth time over to be kinder to myself and to love myself a little more the way that she loves me.

I am ready to change the narrative of the conversations that I have with myself. I’m going to look in the mirror and see a survivor and an overcomer. I am strong. I am a chain breaker and I am breaking generational habits. My kids will not grow up weighed down by the burdens that I carried.

 Every night that they go to bed, they end their day knowing that they are loved beyond measure, for exactly who they are. Most nights, I lay by them till they fall asleep, after stories and prayers and I watch them literally fall asleep with smiles on their faces. Then I go to bed and beat myself up for all the things I forgot or didn’t do perfectly that day.          

                

They go to bed with smiles and I fall asleep with a panic attack! No More. I am going to finally learn to love myself and believe that I AM enough and if I want to change something about the reflection I see in the mirror, it’ll come from a place of self-love, not self- loathing.

I may not be Wonder Woman, but my kids think I’m pretty great and that is enough for me. I am enough for me. One day, I hope I’ll climb in bed after a long day and smile, because I lived my best and it was wonderful.

To the Mama Who is Living with Depression

Depression does not discriminate- from the oldest to youngest, richest to poorest, most glamorous lives to those who live in constant struggle, yet it is so taboo to speak of. 
Perhaps the most common group of people to sweep this under the rug and put everyone else's needs and feelings first, is Mothers.
I remember vividly how exposed I felt when I finally admitted to the world..okay to my blog who ARE all the people in my world, that I am bipolar.
I admitted it haltingly, concerned of who would look at me differently. 
I shyly told my story in a blog that now has the most views and comments of anything I've ever written.
 Why? Because it's real and people can relate. Perhaps you've heard the saying that sharing your story may be the key that unlocks someone else's prison. 
When someone says the words out loud, it makes you feel like you can talk about it too. You know you can have a conversation and not be judged.

I have struggled with depression since I was a young child and it finally took over, when I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old. I have been to more therapists and psychiatrists then I can count in the last 20 years and it has become a part of who I am. 
Some days are worse than others. Some seasons of life, it hangs around closer than I wish it would. Sometimes it ruins my entire day because I have several panic attacks a day or spend too much time overthinking something. 
Some days I can be more the Mom I wish to be and some days, we just survive and that is okay.

It is so strange to me that depression or anxiety is viewed by anyone as a weakness, because often it is just an emotional response to the build up of handling so much stress, juggling too many balls in the air and being stronger than anyone should have to be, for too long.
In fact, in my experience some of the most respected community members- The PTA Mom, The Pastor's wife, The Pinterest Mom...they are the ones who are silently battling depression. 
Perhaps it's because we fear that our reputations as "Super Moms" would be tarnished, if anyone really knew our struggles.
 Maybe we judge ourselves for not being able to shake this feeling and can't bear even the thought that if we tell someone, they may react in judgement too and it would push us over the edge.
So, we all just stuff it down and walk through this journey alone, when we don't have to! There is a whole community of Moms from every walk of life, going through this too. We just have to be honest and let each other in.

Let me tell you something- if you are struggling with depression, It is not your fault. It does not make you a bad Mom. It doesn't mean you don't love your children. It doesn't make you less than the Mom next door, who seems to always have it more together than you. 
It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a warrior...because no matter how many battles are going on in your head on a daily basis, you wake up. You show up. Your kids know you love them. You try your best. You give yourself grace when you think your best wasn't good enough. 
You push through your pain, while still trying to give your family a great life. 

Maybe you live with anxiety. You avoid super fun events that your family wants to go to, because it will also be super crowded and send you into a panic attack. Perhaps you overreact to every scratch and rash, because naturally your first response when you see your child break out in a rash from allergies to a laundry detergent, is that your kid has measles!! 
You feel everything 10 times more intensely than others. Your loved ones tell you to calm down, but you can't. Of course you would, if you could control it! 
That's the whole root of anxiety, isn't it? The fear of everything we cannot control, the fear of the unknown or the worst case scenario. It can be so crippling to live in a mind and body, riddled with anxiety.

I promise you are not alone. I swear to you, that it is totally okay to be a little bit of a helicopter parent. Your kids will live to tell the tale and probably, with a few less scratches and bruises..so there's that! 
They won't remember that you didn't take them to that concert, they'll remember that you stayed at home playing board games and eating ice cream. They won't hold it against you that you sent Dad to take them shopping instead of you taking them, to avoid the crowds. So long as you hand over the credit card before they go!

They will not remember your depression and anxiety as a deficiency or something that made you a bad parent. Because it isn't and it doesn't. It doesn't make you love them less. It doesn't change who you are. 
If you were a super Mom who everyone respected and came to for advice and trusted before, what changes by just saying the truth out loud? 
Now your friends just know that you are human. 
You didn't stop being strong. You didn't stop being capable. You aren't going to be an outcast.
You are going to open a dialogue that needs to exist between us as mothers. You are going to get phone calls and e-mails and private messages from other Moms thanking you and wanting to share their story with you. You are going to break the stigma, one story at a time.

Tight Rope:When your Best isn't Good Enough

Have you ever given everything you had within you and it just wasn't "good enough?"

Someone in your life literally communicated to you that your absolute best wasn't enough, whether by words, actions, disappointment or simply not supporting you.

Maybe you already know this, but those are not the kind of people you want to surround yourself with.

Do we want people in our lives that inspire us to be the best version of ourselves? Absolutely...

Do they get to decide what the best you looks like or tell you that who you are or the job you are doing isn't adequate? No!

I have found myself so many times in my life, trying to pull off an impossible tight rope act.

 I am striving to be someone ELSE'S version of good enough and I'll fall every time. 

But you know what I've finally figured out?

 I don't OWE anyone better than my best.

That's all I can give, it's all I've got. 

I don't owe anyone perfection.

 Maybe you hold yourself to an impossible standard, or maybe someone in your life makes you strive for it; because every time you show your humanity, your tears, your weakness...it disappoints them or worse, it angers them.

If someone doesn't love you in the moment that you fall off your tight rope, then their love is conditional and self serving.

If a person's absolute 1st instinct is not to pick you up off the floor, when you've collapsed and fallen in your exhaustion and anxiety from holding it together for so long, if they don't tell you that it is okay and you don't have to try so hard and they'll love you no matter what; then they aren't the ones who deserve to get the best of you.

Don't ever let anyone else set you up to fall and do not allow anyone to ever tell you that falling isn't okay.

Lastly, don't invest in people who will not only let you, but will push you towards killing yourself to be perfect. 

I promise you no one is worth that kind of effort. Your best is enough...every time. 

Even When It Hurts

 We live in a culture saturated with a “Do what makes you happy” mentality and this is rampant in the church as well. We sometimes can feel cheated when we are given a life where it is a struggle to find happiness.

My life was drastically changed when I realized that God didn’t promise being a Christian would make me happy. That life is not purely about my own happiness. That my life is about how I am of Eternal value and how God can use my story to speak to another person for His glory.

 This freed me in so many ways, because I stopped blaming God for my depression and realized that if I wasn’t going to FEEL happy, I could still walk the right path and be who He called me to be and that feeling Joy would be a daily choice I would have to make.

They are not at all the same thing, Joy and Happiness. When The Bible says to be Joyful in trials, in suffering, in persecution…what normal person would feel joy in those things? No one..Because joy is not a feeling, like happiness; it is a choice to dwell on the goodness and faithfulness of God and on our eternal hope, in the midst of perhaps hopeless situations.

Sometimes, we can start to sink into despair when we put our eyes on our circumstances. I know because I’m there right now and I have been there more times than I could ever recount in my troubled life. I am looking around at my circumstances and not seeing an immediate way out and my eyes are starting to wander. Rather than looking at Jesus, I am looking at the waves and I can literally feel my feet failing and me starting to sink.

Maybe you’re experiencing heartache, the loss of a child, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, divorce, abuse, health problems, financial problems…Whatever you are going through right now and what I am going through right now, God sees it. He knows the pain. He knows when you cannot find the words. He knows that your heart is tired. He knows you and He sees you and He is still worthy. He still has a good plan and He still deserves our praise. In the darkness, in the doubt, in the endless pain; we have to choose to fall on His grace and praise Him even when it hurts.

I used to believe in the depths of my soul that God could never use my life as a testimony, because I don’t have some “God cured my cancer, took away my depression, purged me of my addiction” kind of story. I just live it and I walk through the trials and they never really ever seem to stop. I’ve been accused of not being “discreet” enough; because I’m pretty open and honest about what is going on in my life; for better or worse. But there is a reason that I am and it is a choice. How can God show His power through me, if all my prayer requests are secret, if all my struggles are kept in the dark? I want people to walk through the valley with me, so that when the sun breaks through and God shines, they can see it and their faith can be encouraged as much as mine is.

So keep watching the train wreck that I feel that I am right now, because still when a train goes through a dark tunnel; you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. I am choosing to trust that God is orchestrating all things for my good right now. Even though His plan is totally lost on me!!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrSJwO5dJXg

 

 

The Invisible Ailment..

"What's wrong with her?" 
"If you hadn't told me,I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong."

I can't tell you how many times I've been told these things and had to explain Caitlyn's health problems. 

It is the hardest thing to suffer or have a child suffer with an "invisible ailment." 
You often don't receive the compassion that a parent with a sick child would get. There aren't visible cuts and scrapes to kiss and bandage. 
There aren't tears that come with pain,there are tears that come with doing every day things the average person wouldn't think twice about. 
There aren't just rough patches,cause you're in the hospital-there are daily struggles and when you've climbed one mountain and accomplished one thing,there's always the next 50 things waiting for you. 
It is an invisible load that we carry on our shoulders and most special needs parent's- are so strong and don't ask for people to feel sorry for them. We just want people to understand,that just because our children are not terminal or "sick," We fight a constant battle as well. 

This is not meant in anyway to diminish the struggles of parents who have children always in the hospital, I've been there too. I mean no disrespect whatsoever. Just showing how much more attention situations such as that typically get,while a parent of a child with Bipolar/Depression,Autism,Sensory Processing Disorder,ADHD and many other things often go through sacrificing every thing in their life for their child,quietly crying when the load gets too heavy,relying on just a couple hours of respite care to squeeze in a day's worth of a to do list,always in need of relief-but rarely is it provided.

Just a few of my daughter's Invisible Ailment's-

She had severe apnea and periodic breathing,so she required oxygen till she was 13 months. 

She has hearing loss,but she's not deaf-she just always needs ear tubes in,to hear well.

She has chronic lung disease-RSV,Bronchitis,Pneumonia,Tonsillitis-We've been through it all.

She was born with a cleft palate and people would say,"Oh,Thank goodness it isn't a cleft lip;so people don't see it on the outside."

She has an unspecified eating disorder and people would always say,"Oh,her weight looks healthy." Yes,that's because up till 3 years old,she still drinks over 40 ounces of liquid through a bottle. She is given thickened liquids and many droppers of vitamins and supplements to keep her healthy. She has never in life,sustained her weight on solid food.

She has a sleep disorder. There is rarely a night that she doesn't get up and EVERY thing anyone could possibly suggest has been tried and there isn't a reason the Doctor's could give us,other than they suspect children with autism's bodies don't produce enough melatonin,therefore they don't require as much sleep as the average child or are restless sleepers.

She has a sensory processing disorder. She won't eat things of different textures or temperatures. She won't wear jeans,without a big fight. She hates even a drop of water on her clothes. She gets scared upside down. She thinks light touch is pain. She hears things much louder than you or I and gets easily overwhelmed by noises and voices. 

She has Global Developmental Delay. This doesn't mean I don't work my butt off with her,it means DESPITE me dedicating my life to her,she still has some catching up to do;though I feel after a year that diagnosis can be removed-because she has come so far.

She has autism. Not high functioning, in fact when she was diagnosed she was functioning at not even ONE percent for her age range. Everything she does now is just a miracle and a result of very long days, very great therapists, and parent's who pour our lives into making hers better. 

All these things,no one can see. No one would ever know. But my life got turned upside down by all these things. Caitlyn has to work twice as hard for every bit of progress she makes.

 I lose a lot of sleep. I juggle a lot of things. I have cried many tears. I have a faith,you can't break-because sometimes it's all I have. I have a determination,only trumped by that of my daughter. 
I have a compassion for these parents,who have one or any of these issues my daughter has,because I know a little of what their days look like. I have a passion for bringing awareness to all these invisible ailments,because they're very real and they have a very big impact on our lives.

The Thing I Cannot Say...

There are many things that happen in my life and in my journey with Caitlyn that evoke..well,some strong reaction from me. 
But there are so many things I feel I cannot say,Whether it be politically incorrect,or perhaps it shows too much weakness on my behalf,perhaps people will think Caitlyn is in the hands of an unstable crazy person. What if people lose respect for me? What if they judge me? What if they mock me? So,for all these reasons and worries about what people will think of me,I stay in the shadows...

So,there is some thing I want to get off my chest~















I'm Bi-Polar...There I said it. Do you KNOW how hard it is to raise a special needs child,when you feel like you're handicapped yourself? I don't tell people,I don't tell almost anyone-because I don't want them to treat me different. If you thought I was wonderful and capable and balanced the world on my shoulders before I told you,what has changed? 

Now,you just know on top of my ever present challenges with Caitlyn-I fight demons in my head 24/7 that want to swallow me into the darkness and I won't let them. I drew a picture the other day of our family. Caitlyn was piglet-small and lovable. Dad was Eeyore, grumpy,but dependable(lol) and I was Eeyore,with a Tigger jumping out. Meaning,I feel that way inside-but I force what I show to Caitlyn on the outside to be bright and beautiful and full of promise!

 It is hard to describe the feeling of not wanting to be treated as a mental patient, but maybe knowing it would be a relief if people knew you weren't as strong as they thought. Maybe they'd check on you more often, maybe they'd know your continual sunny outlook might not be a full reflection of EVERY thing going on in your life.

This depression has almost taken my life a few times and it is a daily struggle to wake up feeling like a black cloud is hovering over every step I take,but then I hear my daughter's voice ,"Hi Mom!" and pull myself out of that mind frame and give everything I have to her. I've had days where I've literally curled up in a ball,sobbing that I can't be her mom anymore and telling Matt maybe I just need to go away,but knowing she couldn't live without me and I couldn't live without her. Sometimes I feel like it takes too much grace,too much pressure,too many moments where you can't breathe,too many anxiety riddled therapy/doctor sessions,too many things to remember and too many things I didn't do that day for her,that I should have and I just crack.

I have had this since I was 15 years old and I've heard everything you could possibly hear about depression and anxiety. I've been told,"What do you have to be sad about?" (Well,let me tell you!!) I've been told if you need medication,you don't have enough faith in God to answer your prayers. I've been told so many lies that complicated an already hard journey.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant,I started reading studies on how having a mother with depression, impacts a child's life. I instantly swore that somehow,some way-I would control it and not let it hurt Caitlyn. How I thought I could do that,is beyond me-I can no more control the sun setting each day-But somehow with all the struggles she brought with her,she brought enough light for me to borrow.  I have melt-downs,I feel inadequate all the time, I cry and feel like I can't face the morning-but every time I see her, something in me just sucks it up and puts it aside and I am eternally grateful that God gives me enough strength to not let it dominate her life. I just love her too much to let my sadness and pain touch her in any way.

There is this book Caitlyn loves called, "My Mom is Great" and it says, "My mom is so great,I think my Mom is Magic." Then it talks about by night,her magic starts to fade-but no matter what,she's my mom and my mom is great. If you came to my house,you'd see my magic is starting to fade by the evening. I've held it together all day,talking to Dr.'s and therapists and Insurance people and done all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the dogs and the bills,I've done everything I could to work with Caitlyn on all the things I should and as the day comes to an end,I realize I didn't work with her as hard as I should have on feeding therapy... That she didn't take a bath...That I don't have anything to send in my husband's lunch tomorrow...that I forgot to call the Dr. for all my check-ups..that I forgot for the millionth time to take MY medicine,which helps me stay sane for HER...

"Oh Tabitha,how could you have dropped the ball on so many things? Why do you fail every day? Every single day you do something wrong!" And the exhaustion from the day creeps up on me, I start wanting to cry about everything and by the 5th time Caitlyn has knee dived me in the face,cause she wants to play rough and she still somehow has plenty of energy, I just start to cry. Then my husband asks, "Do you think she'll learn to care when people cry? Don't kids her age notice that?" And then I cry some more,cause there's one more thing I have to work on with her and my brain just can't possibly contain the thought that there's ONE more thing I have to do. Between the depression and anxiety,my head already feels just full of static-then you add on the incredible demands of my life and I just constantly wish I could sever my head from my body at bed time and just not have to think anymore!!

I am sometimes told these following top 3 phrases
(none of which help,by the way :-) 
1.Just Relax-if I could I would(of course I force myself to sometimes,but it never FEELS relaxing,cause I know I have 500 other things to do,that only I can do.)!!! 
2. Don't worry about it-Well,of COURSE I have to worry about it,cause I have to trouble shoot it,figure it out and fix it! 
3. It'll be okay-I do not always feel okay and my life is not always okay,sorry,this is not the answer! 

So,there is my secret. I am telling the world (As much of the world as you can tell,in a blog post anyway.) It terrifies me to open up,but it stresses me out more,trying to hide my struggles. I don't hide Caitlyn's,but I work so hard at hiding mine. Maybe now,I'll feel at liberty to not always have the answer,to tell someone when I'm having a really bad,depressing day and they'll understand if I can't just snap out of it. Maybe now,I'll have one less thing in my head to remember,cause I won't have to not let it slip that I'm a Bi-polar Mommy! 

In closing, if you are my friend and you see me online towards the last few hours of the day,feel free to ask me how I'm doing. Then I'll know you've read this and I'll know I can answer honestly. If the answer is honestly-I'm about to throw myself out a window :-)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSg99iA8bDQ&list=FL-pN0IHaDQSAjrxlZePVS-Q