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God does not plan your pain, He plans His purpose for your pain

Life hurts sometimes, doesn't it? 
People cause us pain, our health fails us, jobs are lost, relationships are broken, we lose someone we love.
Through quite literally my entire lifetime, I have faced more pain than I have often imagined was "fair" or even fathomable. 
I have spent the better part of my life wrestling with WHY God let me live through it- the abuse, the abandonment, so many health problems, watching my child almost die, the isolation of parenting a kid with special needs, the list goes on and on.
Then God brought me to the other side. No, not an imaginary destination where all my problems went away; but a place where I could finally see the beauty God was making out of the ashes of my life. A purpose for the pain.
With the hurt, comes healing. With the healing, comes wisdom. With the story, comes a responsibility to tell it. With the pain, came a compassion and understanding to rally around others who are hurting in the same way.
With my story, God brought countless people into my life; who needed to know there is another side and you CAN get across. That some things don't hurt forever and even when they do, God can still redeem that painful experience and you can still use something meant to harm you, to help others.
God doesn't have a PLAN to harm you. It's not His will. The Bible is clear about this. We live in broken world, full of shattered people, who can't help but destroy others as we step on their shards of glass.
But while the pain you are going through wasn't His doing, He already had a purpose to use that pain to make this world a better place. He always has a redemption story for us and I'm just starting to live mine...

Bless This Mess

Tonight I've been reflecting on the degree of separation I've always felt from most people.
It always had to do with the thought, "Their lives aren't anything like the mess mine is. They would never understand or accept me."
Throughout my youth, I was told by some very pivotal people in my life, that I was beyond help and not worth saving, that I should just kill myself. I've been told that I am ugly and homely and no one would ever love or want a girl like me. That no one likes people like me period. 
The more people told me these vicious lies, the more I projected it onto God. If everyone thinks this of me, why wouldn't He?!
The more cruel the world was to me, the more I hid my heart from all the people around me. To this day, there are very few people that I can say truly know me.
The farther I withdrew and the more distance I put between God and I, the more it became scarred in my heart and mind that I was truly beyond hope and beyond saving. And even if I could be saved, who would want to save a broken mess like me?
But I want to tell you something so important to me, for any heart that needs to hear this.

You are not alone in your pain.
If you were sitting in church this morning and it hurt to smile and all the songs were too short and peppy and didn't reflect your heart and your hurt, you weren't the only one.
If you are too angry and have been too broken down and sick of the hypocrites to even step into a church, I've been there too.
If you've spent your whole life running from any real relationship, because your heart just can't take getting hurt or rejected one more time; I see you.
If you have ever been told that you are anything but beautiful, worthy of love and that YOU ARE worth the fight, I'm telling you now that it's a lie from the pit of hell.
Don't you waste one more second believing that any part of you is beyond or not worth saving. 
Please believe me when I tell you, that God loves you enough to reach into the hell you are in, to pull you out.

He loves you enough to leave behind the guaranteed 99, to chase after you...his one lost sheep.
There is absolutely NOTHING you could have possibly done, that would or could make Him not love you.
There is nothing that has ever been done TO you, that made you unworthy.
You are never too far gone and there is nowhere that you can run, that Jesus won't come running after you.
We might have had some really pathetic people in our lives that didn't know how to love us and were terrible models of what we deserve.
You may have been hurt. You may have been abused. You may have been lied to and betrayed. Someone may have given up on you, when you wanted them to fight. 
I've been there on ALL counts, but tonight I rest in this truth...My God will never stop fighting for me. He will never stop coming after me. He will never stop breaking down the walls I keep trying to put up, to protect myself and there is not a moment, when He isn't willing to step into my mess and love me right where I'm at.

Acknowledgement is not Agreement

 There’s been a shift in the world, in the way in which we treat one another. Have you felt it?

I have started to notice it more and more in the last maybe 5 years or so, that something changed.

There have been disagreements since the beginning of time, but it feels like no one is agreeing to disagree anymore.

Cyber bullying is exploding all over social media and one of the biggest triggers these days is politics.

There are so many keyboard warriors ready to attack, because thanks to our social media platforms; they often know our opinions, before they really know us.

There’s a local resident’s page in my little town, where so many fights happen on the regular and I sit there in wonder; that all these people are neighbors and are going to run into each other in our only grocery store the next day! Do you think they won’t recognize you from your profile picture? Goodness! I’d wear a paper bag on my head if I was talking to my neighbors online, like so many people I’ve witnessed do!

 I wonder how far we’ve fallen that we don’t know what it means to be a good neighbor anymore.

It used to be that our family, friendships and acquaintances weren’t defined and more importantly weren’t ended, based on if we were Republican or Democrat. 

There used to be a civility between us, that no matter what opinions we differed in, at the end of the day we recognized that we were still neighbors, friends or family and that we still have more common threads that bind us, then divide us. 

Now, you see people making grand declarations on their Facebook pages, “If you voted for So-So, unfriend me now!” Really?

I made a resolution this year that no matter how much I may not agree foundationally with someone’s opinions, that I would be quiet and hear them out; so that I could understand what life experience led them to that point of view. That way, I could marry their strong points of view, with who they are aside from our clashing perspectives. It makes it easier to find common ground.   

I wanted to make sure that on the most basic level, I was respecting them as a human being, who has the right to their opinions.

That’s what’s really wrong now. There is so little respect to be found in OUR generation. So, what are we modeling for our kids? You see the bullying starting at quite honestly, unacceptable ages nowadays. You see children with no respect for their parents, their elders, their authority figures and most importantly, themselves. WE have to change, if we want them to be kind, tolerant and loving to the world around them, not just the people who think exactly like them.

 What are we showing our kids if we unfriend, stop speaking to or otherwise ostracize people in our lives that don’t share our points of views? That they shouldn’t accept differences? What happens the next time THEY meet someone who is a bit different in their lives? Perhaps the lack of being inclusive to kids who have special needs or kids that stand out, and the bullying and subsequent suicides of these beautiful children who are FAR too young to even be thinking like this; is a reflection of what they see the adults in their lives doing, on some scale.

All these blood baths we’ve seen in the last several elections due to politics, cannot define our culture and our future.

You can acknowledge people who think differently than you.

We never know what experiences shape a person’s perspective and we don’t have the right to invalidate their viewpoints, because we don’t agree.

You can stand up for what you believe is right, without stepping on people to do it.

You can communicate effectively and get your points across, while not being condescending and calling those who don’t see things your way, names.

We have to come together and understand that acknowledgement is NOT agreement.

 I don’t have to agree with who you voted for or what your lifestyle is and you don’t have to think like me or understand why I make the choices I make. But just because we don’t see eye to eye, that doesn’t mean we should disrespect, ignore or berate each other. I still owe it to you, to acknowledge you as a person and treat you with love and respect.

A tremendous lack of love is what we’re dealing with now in our world, in our children, in our friendships.

My faith tells me that loving my neighbor as myself, is my highest calling. How could we change the world and the course we’re on, if we put a bigger priority on loving people, than we did on being right?

What would happen if you made a promise to yourself, that you wouldn’t ever insult another human being; just because they thought differently than you?

What shift would we see, if we opened up friendly and respectful dialogues among family, friends, and co-workers and ended those conversations with a hand shake and a sheepish; “Agree to disagree?”

How amazing would it be if we started talking TO people, instead of ABOUT them? Imagine the problems we could solve!

What if we stop contributing to the disrespect and ugliness, we are all so tired of and start being the change we want to see in the world and more importantly the change our kids NEED to see happen? We have the power to adjust the course we’re on, so that they have a bright and beautiful world to look forward to.

People change and evolve. Politicians come and go.Sometimes our opinions even evolve, as we do. However, some people we may never see eye to eye with. The next time you are confronted by a person who doesn’t see things the way you do, try to take a step back and view them for the whole person they are, not just for their differing points of view. Then try to approach each person with a foundational love and respect for them as your fellow humans. Let love lead the way, because love…love is what matters.

Find Your Voice

Motherhood is uniquely experienced by all. No two mothers are the same and no two babies are the same. So understandably, we all go through a trying to figure out what is best for us phase of parenthood.

We receive unsolicited advice from every well-meaning acquaintance we’ve ever met. We are bombarded on social media with everything we should or should not be doing. We are surrounded by constant “tips” that for a first time Mom, can be incredibly overwhelming. Enter me…

As a first-time mother of a baby with special needs, I questioned myself at every turn.

When she was first born and they told me she had a cleft palate and hearing loss, I almost immediately had a nervous breakdown in the hospital after they gave me a little brochure that stated that the absolute cause of clefts is unknown, but some contributing factors may be medications mother took in pregnancy, stress in pregnancy, mother’s weight, etc.

Oh my gosh, those all apply! This is all my fault, I thought. They sent in a counselor to talk to me as I cried that I didn’t know how I was going to take care of her.

 He asked me, “Are you going to love her?”

“Well of course”, I replied.

“Do you have a home prepared for her or is she going to live in a dresser drawer?” He questioned me.

“I have everything ready for her.” I said through tears. “I have been waiting for her my whole life.”

 “Well then”, he says, “You will learn about how to care for her the way she needs and you will love her and 

everything is going to be okay. I think you can do this.”

And do it, I did. With great fear and trembling, I took this little person home and dove head first into therapies, specialists, surgeons, special feedings and medical grade equipment in the house.

I learned how to put one foot in front of the other each day and to be what she needed, even when all my strength was gone.

I had to find MY voice as her mother, which was my greatest struggle the first 2 years of her life. I was surrounded by doctors and specialists who all thought they knew what she needed, more than I did. As a first time Mom in her twenties, it took a long time for me to realize that I know something more than they do. I know HER. My body grew her. My arms carry her. My heart aches with every little cry she utters. I know her every pattern, every sigh, every look.

 I know how to advocate for her better than anyone. I learned to trust my gut feeling and be strong for her, when I needed to.

I discovered a protectiveness that I’ve never felt for anyone else.

I formed a bond that not a person on this Earth can hold a candle to.

I watch my heart walking outside my body everywhere she goes.

Being a Mama is so heart wrenchingly beautiful. We have been given such an amazing intuition and we know our kids like no one else can.

 There are enough relatives and random strangers out there to second guess us, so let’s not do it to ourselves.

I am not going to lie, by the time I had my 2^nd and 3^rd kids, I was like a tiny Dictator to anyone who tried to give me unsolicited advice, because I trusted myself this time. I vowed to not pickup another parenting book unless it really encouraged me and uplifted me. I unsubscribed to all the “What your baby should be doing every flipping week” e-mails, because they were stressful! 

I stopped asking everyone else what they thought I should do and started to ask myself what was right for MY children.

Find your voice, Mama. Trust yourself. Give yourself grace for not knowing what you didn’t know before. Arm yourself with knowledge. Free yourself from the opinions of others.

 I always say, as long as I know I did my absolute best and my children know they are utterly loved, when my head hits the pillow each night; I can sleep in peace. Sleep tight, Mommy…for however many hours it will be till your babies crawl in bed, to find their safe place in your arms once again.

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Mama's Boy

“Baby, I need you to stop crying about everything.” I say to my 4 year old son, followed by a heavy sigh.

Another day, another sob fest about something that broke his little heart. He is my sensitive soul, my middle child, my gentle spirit.

I will painfully admit, that I don’t always handle his sensitivities in the most patient way; like my kindred gentle soul whispers to me that I should. I get frustrated at the amount of calming and coaxing I have to do. I get tired of every disappointment ending in a river of tears.

 But then I consider what kind of young man he is going to become, with all the love and sweetness he possesses and I know it’ll be a beautiful thing. Honestly, there’s not even one part of me that wants to “toughen him up.”

I watch him show an affection and tenderness for his little brother, that not a lot of boys his age are known for.

I hear him ask me to hold him many times a day, because his 

little spirit needs that physical connection to recharge and I 

think of how affectionate and loving he will grow up to be.

I listen in admiration (And a bit of exhaustion) as he expresses his feelings. “Mommy, I’m so disappointed because I didn’t get a date with you today.”       “Mom, it made me feel so frustrated when you said I have to share my new toy. It’s special to me.”                               

“Mommy, I had a really overwhelming day.”               

                                             

I can just imagine the amazing communication skills he will have in his future, that at 4 years old he can spell out his feelings instead of just turning it all into anger; as too many men in this world do.

I see all the building blocks of the amazing man he will become, if I can just nurture and embrace his sensitive spirit and not break it.

It’s hard, Mama’s. If you have an emotional, sensitive or “clingy” boy; you are not alone. I know it can take every ounce of you most days…to acknowledge, to reaffirm, to embrace, to encourage, to love unconditionally.

When his big emotions are taking over, take a step back and remember that you are the calm in his storm.

 When he trusts you enough to tell you all the things that made his day overwhelming, whether they be big or small, take a deep breath and model empathy and concern for his feelings.

When he climbs up in your lap and begs you, “Hold me, Mama. I’m having a hard day” Think of what a gift it is, that you are his safe place. You are the one he knows he can cast all his cares on.

They’ll outgrow our laps, but they’ll always be our sweet little boys in their hearts and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

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Highlight Reels: You're Not as Alone as you Think

We hear a lot about "Highlight reels" on social media. 
We show pictures of our house when it's immaculate, our kids when they're being sweet and look adorable and our selfies are the 25th try at the right angle, with a filter. 
We tell of our accomplishments,our promotions, our triumphs...we present an image of ourselves that sometimes seems unattainable. 

Our tidbits don't tell the whole story though. Do you know of anyone who isn't fighting some kind of battle or difficulty? I personally do not!
What if there's someone out there, who needs to see more of our humanity?
Do we OWE our friends the whole story? No, of course not.
But what if you showing the good, the bad and the ugly some days; was the greatest gift you could give someone?

 If you've struggled with postpartum depression, you can share your experience and break the stigma associated with it; so another Mama at her wits end will know that even the most amazing mothers struggle with this and it's okay to reach out for help.

If you live with PTSD, maybe show the cracks in your armor and your battle wounds every now and then, for that other tough guy out there who won't tell a soul of his demons, for fear of looking weak or feeling less than a man.

Just think for a moment, how often you hear someone saying, "Back when I was suicidal..." I haven't heard anyone say that once...ever. 
But what if, like me, you have almost given up on life a time or two; but made it through? Someone out there NEEDS us to talk about it, so we can be a safe place to share their story. We may be the one who pulls them back from the ledge, they were about to jump off of. 

We all have that one friend that always looks PERFECT, right? You never see them without makeup, and even if you do, they have the most flawless skin and eye brows that you've ever seen! You never see their roots showing. 
Do they even OWN a pair of sweatpants?
I mean..every Mom has at least one ugly, stained shirt that they live in at home, don't they?

It's so easy to compare ourselves, when we are only seeing a moment, a snapshot of other's lives. We can become even envious at times, of a life that we are not seeing the whole picture of. 
I'm not saying to not share all that is awesome in your life.

By all means share those cute photos of your kids in matching sweaters at Christmas, cause Lord knows I will!
Let your friends congratulate you on that big promotion! 
Show the world that flawless selfie...and maybe make YouTube tutorials for the rest of us!

But perhaps we can also share our struggles, our flaws, the cracks that make us beautiful, strong and unique. 
Because these make us real and approachable and if one person realizes that they are not as alone in this great big world as they thought they were, our job will be done!
Let's learn to love the life we are living right now, in this moment~
The ups and the downs, the unedited behind the scenes clips and the highlight reels.

Wonder Woman: A Lesson in Self Love from an 8 Year Old

Sometimes it takes having a heartfelt conversation with a child, to give you the perspective you were missing in your life. This is often the case with my 8 years old daughter, who is wise and kind beyond her years. She sees me in a way, that I have not yet learned to see myself. She places value on things and gives me credit for things, that I don’t ever give myself a pat on the back for. As backwards as it may sound, she is my role model as much as I am hers sometimes.

So many of us speak to ourselves, using unkind and invalidating words. We look in the mirror and say things to the reflection, that we would never say to our friends or family or really anyone we even slightly liked! It would absolutely break my heart if my daughter or my sons, viewed themselves in the same negative light, in which I view myself so often. Some of the negativity can stem from our thoughts about our external appearance, but deep down it’s usually just a deep insecurity and lack of embracing ourselves and being proud of who we are, inside and out. It’s about never really learning to love ourselves.

 I have always struggled with how I looked and with self-love, from as young an age as I can recall. Growing up, my thoughts, feelings and sometimes very existence were continually invalidated. This programmed me to believe, that I wasn’t worth anything. As I analyze my roots and why I am the way that I am, I can see how “Never being good enough” in general; became the lens through which I viewed every aspect of my appearance.

I grew up in Hawaii from the time I was 7 and I was significantly taller than most of the people there and was always asked if I was a basketball player. Not asked like it was a normal question, but asked in amazement, as they gawked up at me; as if I was a real life giant! Awkward…in hind sight, I shouldn’t have worn heels that made me 6 feet tall either. That probably didn’t help my case.

I hated the size of my feet, that my Mother always lovingly reminded me was necessary to support my height or I’d tip right over!

I was always at war with my weight, but more than my weight; I couldn’t stand my bone structure. Even at my absolute thinnest, I was never going to be the short, petite girl I wished I was.

I always see my Dad’s nose when I look in the mirror and it is my least favorite feature on my face.

I see wrinkles forming under my eyes, which I choose to believe are temporary, due to a teething toddler; rather than a permanent addition to my facial features!

I see scars everywhere from the life I’ve survived. I see signs of the wear and tear, that having 3 children has had on me.

Despite my sadly constant critiques of myself, I have been very careful to not speak these things out loud around my daughter or to in anyway encourage her to view herself with anything but self-love and acceptance. I didn’t want her to grow up like I did.

At the same time that I am watching her love herself and have absolute confidence in who she is, I am trying to grow to love myself even a touch of how much she does.

I watch her giggle when I point out the cute freckles she’s getting around her nose. I observe her proudly showing off the new band colors on her braces to all her friends, without even a thought that anyone would NOT think they were super cool. She boldly and in a hilarious, proud sort of way, will declare what she weighs to ANY one. There is nothing about herself that she doubts or despises, as it should be. She owns her style and everything about who she is. She is absolutely happy with herself and how many of us can say that?!

On a regular basis, in her own little ways and by her sweet example, I am taught self-love.

Recently, we both got dressed up for our community’s Trunk or Treat, in matching outfits of her choosing. Now, I am not a dress up for Halloween type…at ALL. But our kids chose our costumes and dang it, her Dad and I were going to embarrass ourselves and wear them!

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I immediately started mentally critiquing myself and thinking how I look nothing like Wonder Woman…or any super hero for that matter!

While I was in my own head, I heard my daughter quickly tell my Husband, “She really IS Wonder Woman, you know. She takes care of 3 kids ALL the time. She is really nice. She buys THOUSANDS of Christmas presents and she does everything with a smile on her face.”

My heart just stopped for a minute. She sees who I am, who I really am. Not my wrinkles, or my figure or my clown sized feet! She sees my heart, my positive outlook, my giving spirit, my love for others, my dedication to this family and my semi ridiculous love for all things Christmas. I mean, I must be a LITTLE crazy to buy THOUSANDS of presents, y’all.

I instantly wished that I could learn to see myself the way she does and made a commitment for the millionth time over to be kinder to myself and to love myself a little more the way that she loves me.

I am ready to change the narrative of the conversations that I have with myself. I’m going to look in the mirror and see a survivor and an overcomer. I am strong. I am a chain breaker and I am breaking generational habits. My kids will not grow up weighed down by the burdens that I carried.

 Every night that they go to bed, they end their day knowing that they are loved beyond measure, for exactly who they are. Most nights, I lay by them till they fall asleep, after stories and prayers and I watch them literally fall asleep with smiles on their faces. Then I go to bed and beat myself up for all the things I forgot or didn’t do perfectly that day.          

                

They go to bed with smiles and I fall asleep with a panic attack! No More. I am going to finally learn to love myself and believe that I AM enough and if I want to change something about the reflection I see in the mirror, it’ll come from a place of self-love, not self- loathing.

I may not be Wonder Woman, but my kids think I’m pretty great and that is enough for me. I am enough for me. One day, I hope I’ll climb in bed after a long day and smile, because I lived my best and it was wonderful.