You Know Better Than I

Has anyone ever seen that movie, "Joseph,King of Dreams?" Well,there is a song in there that has always spoken to me,called You Know Better Than I and that is always the place God brings me back to.Sometimes it takes much wrestling with my Creator to accept the fact that he put me in the situations He has for a reason. Coming from a background of abuse,abandonment,severe medical problems,near death experiences,suicide attempts,etc. -I spent most of my youth wrestling with God. "Why didn't you protect me,why do I have to go through this pain. Why?"

 Then here comes Caitlyn, and here comes so many new challenges and a new battle between the maker of the universe and little old me. I remember clear as a bell,when I got the news about autism. Matt said he would watch her,so I could go to church that night and I went desperately seeking to lay down my will. I sobbed through the whole service and I'll never forget,when I was a teenager,my pastor told me to stop kicking against the goads. Which is a biblical reference,basically meaning to stop fighting God. I have never in my life heard that phrase used again; but this night when I went, The pastor was preaching on this very chapter and he just said it 3 times," Stop fighting God,stop fighting God,stop fighting God." The profoundness of him saying that hit me so hard. I couldn't stop crying. I went forward for prayer at the end of the service and I choked out the words,"They think my daughter has autism.I don't want to fight God anymore." and the woman just hugged me as my tears fell.

After a long time of speaking with this woman and receiving prayer,I knew I had two paths in front of me. One of bitterness and rage and questioning and wrestling with God or one of trust and surrender. I knew God could use my life and I was willing for that,but for God to let Caitlyn go through pain to use HER story,oh man. I didn't think I could accept that. I didn't think I could watch that. But God helped me choose the right path. I chose to always seek the Good in her life,I chose to believe that God can see the future impact this little girl will have and I just have to let Him use me to be her voice. I choose the peace that comes with acceptance,rather than to hate and turn my back on God for allowing this to happen. I chose to never give up on my daughter and trust that she will come through. I chose to accept that I am not God,I do not hold eternity in my hands. I have but a moment with this angel and I will use it wisely and seek to use our story for His Glory and Fame.

If you're in a situation in your life,that just isn't fair,that makes you doubt there is a loving God,that makes you question if God is really good,that makes you bitter instead of better.I've been there,more times that I could ever say. God has to bring everyone through their own journey to this place,but I pray you will know the peace that comes,when you finally stop wrestling God and start trying to work with Him.

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

 I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

For my Angel

The moment I met you,for the first time;I knew that we'd have some big mountains to climb. But when I thought I couldn't reach a new height, you showed me how to get there,you're much braver than I.

You never stop trying,so I'll never give up.  You smile through the heartache,so how could I not?

You don't know the word "No." So,neither can I.

If they say, "She can't reach those heights." You sail past their doubts and you fly.

I know sometimes you get confused, but I'll always do my best to explain the world to you.

I know I'm supposed to be the one who is strong, But God knew I needed an Angel to help me carry on.

I don't know how I could deserve to be your mother, but I promise you with all my heart,I'll always love you like no other.

I'll hold your hand and you'll hold mine and we'll get through this together,My Love...

Mom on the Move Article written about Caitlyn and I

This article was written about Caitlyn and I. I'm so excited. Please read and share!!!

http://my719moms.com/news/mom-on-the-move-tabitha-yates/

Not Afraid of the Dark

Caitlyn has been having nightmares lately and it's had me feeling bad that she can't tell me what she's thinking or that she's scared or anything about it,really. 
 I focus so much on keeping everyone updated on all the positive advancements Caitlyn makes, but that doesn't mean that we don't have sad or hard days with this autism we face daily.
 I've been thinking alot lately about just the story of Caitlyn. The two and half years to get pregnant with her,the really rough pregnancy,the birth defect and everything that followed with her health. I think about her future,what struggles she might encounter and what way I can possibly save her from as many of them as possible.
   I think about the journey of faith and despair,trust and doubt,peace and chaos that God has brought me through;knowing this will be the case for the rest of my life on this earth. 
I read a quote today that really speaks truth to the situation that I am in daily. 

 "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

There have been more times than I could possibly tell you,in my life that "going through the fire's of refinement" felt too unbearable. I wanted to jump out of the fire so many times and just throw in the towel,but at the end of the day(or month or year or however long it took) I'd find my way back to my faith and find that fighting God took far more energy and pain,then just trusting him and letting him give me peace. 
Sometimes,I've felt blindfolded during this entire process with Caitlyn, not knowing what direction God was taking us in,and I admit not being TOTALLY sure at times that he loved her more than I do and would really choose what was best for her. It's challenged me in deeper ways that you can imagine watching her be the one who struggles in life,rather than me. I would take it upon myself one thousand times over and still believe that God is just. But to still believe in his goodness,grace and justice when I watch what she's had to overcome,has taken my faith to a new level.
 I find myself in the midst of struggles oftentimes being whittled down to the absolute core of my being and staples of my faith. Here's what I know that I know at the end of the day.

1.God is good,because he gave me Caitlyn.period. In any form,with any problems she came with,not having her could never,ever be better. At the end of every day,when I'm tucking her into bed,I tell her- "Mommy wouldn't trade you for anything in the world,EVER." and she replies "EVER,ever..." and then I tell her, "I love you so much" and she says, "SO-SO"

2.God is wise,because he carved something beautiful out of a life of hardship for me,that was ultimately for my good,making me the person I am,knowing I would need this fighter's spirit and the strength to never stop climbing and never give up,so I could fight for Caitlyn.


3.God is with us. I'm reminded of the poem "Footprints" and it might be my tendency to look back and see only one set of footprints and immediately accuse God of leaving me,but during the most fragile moments in my journey through motherhood,I know He was carrying me.


4.God is faithful,even though I am so faithless.Many have said at some point in their lives, "If you only knew how bad I was,you'd know God wouldn't accept me,couldn't love me,wouldn't take me back."  And I am guilty of this,truly. I struggle to find 2 minutes in the day,where I can quiet my mind and spend time with God. The best I can do is,what I have tried to do and make him my best friend. Though I might not get much sacred time with him,he is always there,right along side me. I call to him for everything,I rely on him for strength and wisdom and pray that in some little way,He might choose to use me somehow.


5. God is merciful. I know no matter what level of understanding Caitlyn might be at,that she is HIS. He created this amazing person and He calls her by name and her soul belongs to Jesus.


6.God will always,always know better than me. Now,this is a hard thing to swallow when things are going wrong and I know that better than anyone. But I also know,I've tried all the other directions you can go in and the only one that brings me purpose and any sense of peace,is His way. This is my daily tight rope walking act,I'll tell you. Because,as a parent, you of course want your child to be happy and be healthy and have the best life they can possibly lead and I think that's a God given desire and totally normal. But what happens when things go wrong and they're not healthy and you have to question what their quality of life will be? Do you, as the above quote says,throw away your ticket and just decide God's taking this train in a direction you don't like or do you trust that you'll come through the tunnel to the otherside,through God's careful navigation?


I have chosen to trust,on the best days,on the worst days that God will navigate me better through this journey than I would do on my own. My heart aches as I write this,cause it literally hurts to trust this much about someone I love more than life. Does trusting God for your child mean you don't do everything within your human power to help them,make them happy and set them up for success in life? No,I will never stop working with her to make sure she can have the best possible life. I will never stop believing the best for her future. I will never stop trying to protect her from anything that might hurt her. That's my job as a parent,it just doesn't hurt to know that Caitlyn and myself have a heavenly parent who's looking out for us always.
   

Define Normal

The other day someone was telling me story about an autistic person they knew that grew up to be "Pretty normal" 
They spoke of the fact that he was able to actually hold a job and function in society.

Mabye it's denial, mabye it's determination;but it doesn't even occur to me to think that Caitlyn might not be able "function" in "normal" society. What is normal anyway?

Will she have difficulties? Of course. Will she be different? I'm sure. But I refuse to even let my mind go to a place that thinks that she won't learn to talk,that she won't learn to relate to her peers on some level,that she won't understand the world around her. I refuse.

To me,just being told "Your child has autism." has a dead end associated with it. It's just this label you have to live with. They don't tell you what to do,there's no cure,there's not a prescription they give you. They just suggest therapy and leave you to struggle through HOW to live with it. But I don't want to just live with it. I want her to rise above it.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on,researching all traditional and non-traditional methods. I decided a while back to stop vaccinating, I'm tweaking her diet and ordering a bunch of supplements. We're working on speech and behavior and sign language every day. I'll never give up on her being able to talk and function "normally" 

I read a simple quote that was so profound to me -  It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

 What good will it do me to wallow in self pity or feeling sorry for Caitlyn and the life she might have? I should just work to change it. Sure,if you read a few blogs back,I have sad days and hard days and days when it seems like nothing is getting through to her, but then I have days like today,where she shows enormous break throughs by saying a word or doing a sign,that I've been trying to teach her for a year and I feel like it's all worth it and it reminds me to not ever give up. 

I have had to remind myself the last several weeks to not let my mind go to her future and all the worries that lie there,waiting for us. Today has enough worry of it's own and I just need to be grateful for any progress I can make with her day by day.

I know it's a trait in the women in my family,to be tough as nails and Caitlyn sure as God exists,possesses that trait in spades. But right now,she's in a little bit of a different world and I need to be the one who brings her back into my world and I need the strength of a million chariots to do it. I am thankful I serve a God who is strong,when I am weak and who can lift me up and will see me and my baby through this.

I pray that if you detect even the slightest bit of determination in my writing, that you would wish that same will power onto my daughter.
One day,she's going to tell me she loves me,I know she will and that will make every single step in this journey beyond worth it.

 

 
  

Breathe...Just breathe...

I was reading in this autism hand book they just gave me,how it's normal to feel like a death,when you find out your child has autism;because it's the death of your ideal child and the end of how you thought things would be.

I've felt like that since the beginning with Caitlyn,because of her birth defect and health issues;things were never what I imagined and I always felt guilty for feeling that way.

But now,I can't stuff it. It's a sadness that creeps up on me and makes me feel like I can't breathe. It's grief.

It's a fear of what her life will be like,of how I will teach her,how will I navigate school or homeschool,how will she interact with peers,how will she function in a world that is full of so many things that overwhelm her and that she doesn't understand?

I feel panic that we're still in the military and don't have a choice of what to do and where to live. I'm terrified of what the move next year will do to her,uprooting her from the only life and therapists and doctor's she's ever known. 

I want to run away some days,cause I'm just so overwhelmed and afraid.

I want to live next door to my mom.

I want help.

I want comfort. 

I want reassurance. 

I want to know what's around the corner,but I can't. I can only trust that God does know.

It's one of those nights,my chest is on fire. I can't breathe and I think I just need to curl up and cry. 

Good Night, you unfair world,you.

Hope in Despair!

Thank you to my friends and family who prayed today for Caitlyn. To those who don’t know. We went in and spent the day at The Children’s Hospital to find out if Caitlyn has autism and I got more diasnosis’ than I bargained for.

Today is one of those days, that I’m pretty sure will be seared in my memory forever.

 I was told over and over that absolutely, obviously without question, she has autism. And as I was just trying to swallow that basic knowledge, I had to hear it used in every sentence. “Because she her autism ,since she’s autistic…”

For instance: Because of her autism, I was told she has severe developmental delays, to the point that she’s only functioning around 1 percent for her age group. In some area’s, she functioning as low a 4 month old. So, they decided to also give her a diagnosis called “Global Developmental Delay”

She also got a diagnosis of a sleeping and eating disorder. They kept saying she was “full code”

Then, they wanted her to undergo genetic testing for Chromosome X and fragile X.

And then, they told me that they see what all her therapists are seeing and Caitlyn is having Stare off seizures. So, back to the hospital we go for an EEG.

And while we’re at it, let’s test her for a couple other things in the lab. If you know Caitlyn’s history, she has an almost impossible time getting blood drawn or iv’s and her veins always blow. So, while my head was still spinning from all the information they just gave me that will impact my child’s life for the rest of it, I have to go and pin her down with 2 other nurses and listen to her scream bloody murder, while we got SEVEN tubes of blood from this little person in 3 different spots, cause her veins kept blowing.

Then she almost passed out on the way back to the car, cause she was so weak and dizzy.

And that in the briefest nutshell possible, sums up our day. It all seems a bit like a blur. I don’t know if, as a parent you’ve ever received that much bad news at one time, this isn’t the first time it’s happened to me, sadly. But let me tell you, it’s hard to fathom, until it happens.

My mind was immediately spinning on what programs I need to get her into, what changes in her therapy I need to make, what I need to do more, what I need to do better. I made a list and checked it twice and started making all my phone calls and doing what I need to do to get her the best of everything to help her.

My heart hurts for her and for what an uphill climb she’s had since day one, but I will never stop clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 for my daughter. “For I KNOW the plans I have for you, Declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.”

It’s not God’s will for Caitlyn to suffer and I am ending this awful day, bowing my pain at his feet and choosing to speak hope, not despair over my precious Caitlyn no matter how grim things looks some times. We just have a little higher mountain to climb now, but by God’s grace, I’ll keep fighting for her, till my dying breath.

I beg of everyone for your faithful prayers for my baby. God hears you and we need them so much. Pray for wisdom for Matt and I, as we decide how we need to move forward and what she needs. Pray she will grow and learn and be able to talk and surprise everyone.

 I appreciate the kind words I’ve received, as my heart is in need of comfort right now!

I will try to Fix You...

Tomorrow is the day. Where I will or will not hear the words - "Your daughter is autistic"

Yes,people have told me they think she has it,she probably has it,she has all the red flags,she miserably failed the M-Chat;but noone has diagnosed her.

Should I just go in and expect them to tell me something so permanent? I suppose so. Am I fully prepared to accept those words? I don't think so.

 I think it's hard for people who aren't a parent of a special needs child to fully grasp,how each new diagnosis shapes your life and changes you and how you have to filter everything through it,in a sense.

 I am trying to be positive. It will explain a lot. She'll qualify for more therapy and help. I'm trying to trust God and not show my weakness.

But I think it's okay that I'm a little sad. I think it's normal that I'm anxious about how this will change our lives. This isn't a 24 flu people, this will impact her for likely the rest of her life and it's hard to take that lightly,as her mother.

I think it's normal that I'm scared to talk to people, because I don't want any pat answers right now. I'd rather talk to myself than someone else. And here's what I'm telling myself-

1.God knows Caitlyn and I,he knows our hearts,our fears and it's okay to be weak before him.
2.God has never left us through every sickness and bad thing that's happened to her or I,he won't leave us now.
3.God will be the best friend I have through all of this,he'll never say the wrong thing,he's not judging me,I'm not somehow falling short of his expectations of how I should handle this.
4.You're human,Tabitha. You don't want your daughter to hurt or suffer and it's okay to be sad about this and cry sometimes and wish you could make her mind and body be in perfect health.
5.Caitlyn is a gift and no matter how hard it gets,she depends on you and needs you to be strong for her tomorrow and every day after that.
6.This does not have to define her,I will not let it define her. She is still a beautiful,wonderful,sweet,funny,amazing child and her love triumphs over any delays and weaknesses she has. The good will always outweigh the bad. It has to.
7.This is just the beginning. I have her whole life to fight this and fight it,we will.

I think tomorrow,I am going to come home and retreat into my own little world and just grapple with whatever they tell me and try to come to terms with it. Because I'm sure no words will be adequate.

I am just listening to the song "Fix you" by Coldplay and I know that if I could,I would. Caitlyn,Mommy would take away all the bad if only I could.

My Angel

Lately,Caitlyn has become obsessed with stuffed animals. She takes the ones far larger than she is and those are the ones she insists on taking a nap with! She cries and cries,if I try to replace them with normal sized ones,so of course she gets to sleep with them! I try to arrange them at least,Daddy just lets Caitlyn fall asleep with them smothering her,cause he is incapable of saying no to her..lol.