Depression does not discriminate- from the oldest to youngest, richest to poorest, most glamorous lives to those who live in constant struggle, yet it is so taboo to speak of.
Perhaps the most common group of people to sweep this under the rug and put everyone else's needs and feelings first, is Mothers.
I remember vividly how exposed I felt when I finally admitted to the world..okay to my blog who ARE all the people in my world, that I am bipolar.
I admitted it haltingly, concerned of who would look at me differently.
I shyly told my story in a blog that now has the most views and comments of anything I've ever written.
Why? Because it's real and people can relate. Perhaps you've heard the saying that sharing your story may be the key that unlocks someone else's prison.
When someone says the words out loud, it makes you feel like you can talk about it too. You know you can have a conversation and not be judged.
I have struggled with depression since I was a young child and it finally took over, when I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old. I have been to more therapists and psychiatrists then I can count in the last 20 years and it has become a part of who I am.
Some days are worse than others. Some seasons of life, it hangs around closer than I wish it would. Sometimes it ruins my entire day because I have several panic attacks a day or spend too much time overthinking something.
Some days I can be more the Mom I wish to be and some days, we just survive and that is okay.
It is so strange to me that depression or anxiety is viewed by anyone as a weakness, because often it is just an emotional response to the build up of handling so much stress, juggling too many balls in the air and being stronger than anyone should have to be, for too long.
In fact, in my experience some of the most respected community members- The PTA Mom, The Pastor's wife, The Pinterest Mom...they are the ones who are silently battling depression.
Perhaps it's because we fear that our reputations as "Super Moms" would be tarnished, if anyone really knew our struggles.
Maybe we judge ourselves for not being able to shake this feeling and can't bear even the thought that if we tell someone, they may react in judgement too and it would push us over the edge.
So, we all just stuff it down and walk through this journey alone, when we don't have to! There is a whole community of Moms from every walk of life, going through this too. We just have to be honest and let each other in.
Let me tell you something- if you are struggling with depression, It is not your fault. It does not make you a bad Mom. It doesn't mean you don't love your children. It doesn't make you less than the Mom next door, who seems to always have it more together than you.
It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a warrior...because no matter how many battles are going on in your head on a daily basis, you wake up. You show up. Your kids know you love them. You try your best. You give yourself grace when you think your best wasn't good enough.
You push through your pain, while still trying to give your family a great life.
Maybe you live with anxiety. You avoid super fun events that your family wants to go to, because it will also be super crowded and send you into a panic attack. Perhaps you overreact to every scratch and rash, because naturally your first response when you see your child break out in a rash from allergies to a laundry detergent, is that your kid has measles!!
You feel everything 10 times more intensely than others. Your loved ones tell you to calm down, but you can't. Of course you would, if you could control it!
That's the whole root of anxiety, isn't it? The fear of everything we cannot control, the fear of the unknown or the worst case scenario. It can be so crippling to live in a mind and body, riddled with anxiety.
I promise you are not alone. I swear to you, that it is totally okay to be a little bit of a helicopter parent. Your kids will live to tell the tale and probably, with a few less scratches and bruises..so there's that!
They won't remember that you didn't take them to that concert, they'll remember that you stayed at home playing board games and eating ice cream. They won't hold it against you that you sent Dad to take them shopping instead of you taking them, to avoid the crowds. So long as you hand over the credit card before they go!
They will not remember your depression and anxiety as a deficiency or something that made you a bad parent. Because it isn't and it doesn't. It doesn't make you love them less. It doesn't change who you are.
If you were a super Mom who everyone respected and came to for advice and trusted before, what changes by just saying the truth out loud?
Now your friends just know that you are human.
You didn't stop being strong. You didn't stop being capable. You aren't going to be an outcast.
You are going to open a dialogue that needs to exist between us as mothers. You are going to get phone calls and e-mails and private messages from other Moms thanking you and wanting to share their story with you. You are going to break the stigma, one story at a time.
There are many things that happen in my life and in my journey with Caitlyn that evoke..well,some strong reaction from me.
But there are so many things I feel I cannot say,Whether it be politically incorrect,or perhaps it shows too much weakness on my behalf,perhaps people will think Caitlyn is in the hands of an unstable crazy person. What if people lose respect for me? What if they judge me? What if they mock me? So,for all these reasons and worries about what people will think of me,I stay in the shadows...
So,there is some thing I want to get off my chest~
I'm Bi-Polar...There I said it. Do you KNOW how hard it is to raise a special needs child,when you feel like you're handicapped yourself? I don't tell people,I don't tell almost anyone-because I don't want them to treat me different. If you thought I was wonderful and capable and balanced the world on my shoulders before I told you,what has changed?
Now,you just know on top of my ever present challenges with Caitlyn-I fight demons in my head 24/7 that want to swallow me into the darkness and I won't let them. I drew a picture the other day of our family. Caitlyn was piglet-small and lovable. Dad was Eeyore, grumpy,but dependable(lol) and I was Eeyore,with a Tigger jumping out. Meaning,I feel that way inside-but I force what I show to Caitlyn on the outside to be bright and beautiful and full of promise!
It is hard to describe the feeling of not wanting to be treated as a mental patient, but maybe knowing it would be a relief if people knew you weren't as strong as they thought. Maybe they'd check on you more often, maybe they'd know your continual sunny outlook might not be a full reflection of EVERY thing going on in your life.
This depression has almost taken my life a few times and it is a daily struggle to wake up feeling like a black cloud is hovering over every step I take,but then I hear my daughter's voice ,"Hi Mom!" and pull myself out of that mind frame and give everything I have to her. I've had days where I've literally curled up in a ball,sobbing that I can't be her mom anymore and telling Matt maybe I just need to go away,but knowing she couldn't live without me and I couldn't live without her. Sometimes I feel like it takes too much grace,too much pressure,too many moments where you can't breathe,too many anxiety riddled therapy/doctor sessions,too many things to remember and too many things I didn't do that day for her,that I should have and I just crack.
I have had this since I was 15 years old and I've heard everything you could possibly hear about depression and anxiety. I've been told,"What do you have to be sad about?" (Well,let me tell you!!) I've been told if you need medication,you don't have enough faith in God to answer your prayers. I've been told so many lies that complicated an already hard journey.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant,I started reading studies on how having a mother with depression, impacts a child's life. I instantly swore that somehow,some way-I would control it and not let it hurt Caitlyn. How I thought I could do that,is beyond me-I can no more control the sun setting each day-But somehow with all the struggles she brought with her,she brought enough light for me to borrow. I have melt-downs,I feel inadequate all the time, I cry and feel like I can't face the morning-but every time I see her, something in me just sucks it up and puts it aside and I am eternally grateful that God gives me enough strength to not let it dominate her life. I just love her too much to let my sadness and pain touch her in any way.
There is this book Caitlyn loves called, "My Mom is Great" and it says, "My mom is so great,I think my Mom is Magic." Then it talks about by night,her magic starts to fade-but no matter what,she's my mom and my mom is great. If you came to my house,you'd see my magic is starting to fade by the evening. I've held it together all day,talking to Dr.'s and therapists and Insurance people and done all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the dogs and the bills,I've done everything I could to work with Caitlyn on all the things I should and as the day comes to an end,I realize I didn't work with her as hard as I should have on feeding therapy... That she didn't take a bath...That I don't have anything to send in my husband's lunch tomorrow...that I forgot to call the Dr. for all my check-ups..that I forgot for the millionth time to take MY medicine,which helps me stay sane for HER...
"Oh Tabitha,how could you have dropped the ball on so many things? Why do you fail every day? Every single day you do something wrong!" And the exhaustion from the day creeps up on me, I start wanting to cry about everything and by the 5th time Caitlyn has knee dived me in the face,cause she wants to play rough and she still somehow has plenty of energy, I just start to cry. Then my husband asks, "Do you think she'll learn to care when people cry? Don't kids her age notice that?" And then I cry some more,cause there's one more thing I have to work on with her and my brain just can't possibly contain the thought that there's ONE more thing I have to do. Between the depression and anxiety,my head already feels just full of static-then you add on the incredible demands of my life and I just constantly wish I could sever my head from my body at bed time and just not have to think anymore!!
I am sometimes told these following top 3 phrases
(none of which help,by the way :-)
1.Just Relax-if I could I would(of course I force myself to sometimes,but it never FEELS relaxing,cause I know I have 500 other things to do,that only I can do.)!!!
2. Don't worry about it-Well,of COURSE I have to worry about it,cause I have to trouble shoot it,figure it out and fix it!
3. It'll be okay-I do not always feel okay and my life is not always okay,sorry,this is not the answer!
So,there is my secret. I am telling the world (As much of the world as you can tell,in a blog post anyway.) It terrifies me to open up,but it stresses me out more,trying to hide my struggles. I don't hide Caitlyn's,but I work so hard at hiding mine. Maybe now,I'll feel at liberty to not always have the answer,to tell someone when I'm having a really bad,depressing day and they'll understand if I can't just snap out of it. Maybe now,I'll have one less thing in my head to remember,cause I won't have to not let it slip that I'm a Bi-polar Mommy!
In closing, if you are my friend and you see me online towards the last few hours of the day,feel free to ask me how I'm doing. Then I'll know you've read this and I'll know I can answer honestly. If the answer is honestly-I'm about to throw myself out a window :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSg99iA8bDQ&list=FL-pN0IHaDQSAjrxlZePVS-Q
