When your child receives an autism diagnosis, there is never just one emotion that you feel.
You can feel a death, that your child might not be able to do all you've dreamed of, for him or her.
You can feel relief, that you finally know what's been going on and know how to help now.
You can feel sad on any given day, because your child had an epic meltdown, because you had to say no to one more activity that you knew they wouldn't handle well,because you had to pass on a family trip because your child can't handle the flight or drive.
You can feel jealous of people with typically developing children and think how much easier their lives must be without all the work,therapy,intervention,phone calls,insurance issues,etc. that we face on any given day.
And these feelings are fluid,from one moment to the next, you can feel some or all of these things.
But there are some things I feel, that I want to share with you. Call it looking at the glass half full, call it unconditional love, call it Mommy's delusional! (I'm sure that's true, some days!)
I feel Joy when I look at my daughter,Caitlyn. First and foremost, she will always be my only child and the love of my life. She is my greatest accomplishment and autism didn't cloud my perception of her,my perception of autism, was affected by how amazing I know she is.
I feel pride. Yes,we're all proud of our kids; but when you know HOW high of a mountain your child had to climb to say, "My "mame"(name) Caitlyn." Or Perhaps,how hard it was for them to tolerate the noise of you humming your favorite song. Or Maybe how amazing it is, that they tried a new food that they've always had a massive texture issue with. This is a pride that not all people can understand, because it's not the typical things you'd think of to be proud about maybe,with a typically developing child. Caitlyn has become so confident, for us always praising her;that she now tells herself, "YAY! I did it! Good job Caitlyn!"
I feel Awe,at the gift of being able to watch how she learns.
You may tell me she is not in tune with the world around her at times, because she's been leaning over her coloring page for so long. I see utter determination, because sometimes she won't stop till the last white part of the paper is colored.
You think she's stuttering, but she's not. She's repeating herself over and over again,till you respect her and respond to her. She'll say, "Hi Sir" to a man in the grocery store over and over,louder and louder until he answers her, then she leans back in the cart with a satisfied smile.
You might see that she doesn't learn the way a "typical" child does. I say all children,of all abilities learn differently and I see a child with a photographic memory who is already starting to write at 36 months and can read all the titles of her books and sees the world through a color glass I might not understand, but she is brilliant and I know that.
You see a child that might cry when you play an instrument or sing or put music on in the car, but I know that she loves playing her own instruments and using her pretend microphone to sing and she loves classical music. I know that she can speak all the words to her favorite songs,even if she can't tolerate the music with some of them.
You see a child of 3, that's still on a bottle and give us a double glance,when we're out to eat. You don't know that she's been in feeding therapy since she was one month old, you don't know how many attempts of feeding her solid food I made that day. You don't know how hard she cries if I try to offer her the same liquid in a sippy cup, because it doesn't "belong" in there, in her mind.You don't know that she's allergic to everything on the menu at most restaurants. You don't know her story.
You might think she's a little invasive and doesn't know boundaries.But I know she's the kindest girl in the world. She wants to touch everything you're doing and explore it all. She wants you to explain your world,like Mommy explains the world to her. She wants to help hold your tools, help you water the flowers, help you feed the dogs. She might dump the dog food out every other time,because she has poor impulse control. She might water the rocks instead of the flowers, but she still deserves to be able to help. She might touch something you didn't want her to touch, but she doesn't deserve your rebukes. She is learning about the world around her by touch and by taking a picture in her head of everything. Don't make it a bad slideshow. Be patient...
You might hear my child has autism and want to tell me sorry. You don't need to apologize, it's not terminal. It's made me love my child more than I could ever express. It's made me reach down to the depths of my soul for patience and understanding some days, but I wouldn't trade it. I've sat back and watched her every moment in life and marveled at how she learns and how she tries and how she never gives up.
Children with autism really are angel's,you see. Because there is no judgement from her,when you meet my child. You could be any race,any age,any type of personality. You could be missing teeth, you could have lost all your hair, you could be wearing clothes with holes in them, you could look anyway you want and Caitlyn would come up to you and hug you and take your hand and ask you to play with her, because in her world- There is no bad,there is no old,there is no ugly....There is just a world of people she wants to be friends with and I treasure her innocence and pure love and acceptance...
So,while you might call her autistic. I will call HER amazing,cause that's WHO she is. Autism is just a part of her story,it's not the whole book.
https://www.facebook.com/caitlyns.promise?fref=ts
