Tabitha Yates

Tabitha Yates
Jesus Loving, Homeschooling Mama of 3 Amazing Kids, Veteran's Wife and Aspiring Author

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Thing I Cannot Say...

There are many things that happen in my life and in my journey with Caitlyn that evoke..well,some strong reaction from me. 
But there are so many things I feel I cannot say,Whether it be politically incorrect,or perhaps it shows too much weakness on my behalf,perhaps people will think Caitlyn is in the hands of an unstable crazy person. What if people lose respect for me? What if they judge me? What if they mock me? So,for all these reasons and worries about what people will think of me,I stay in the shadows...

So,there is some thing I want to get off my chest~















I'm Bi-Polar...There I said it. Do you KNOW how hard it is to raise a special needs child,when you feel like you're handicapped yourself? I don't tell people,I don't tell almost anyone-because I don't want them to treat me different. If you thought I was wonderful and capable and balanced the world on my shoulders before I told you,what has changed? 

Now,you just know on top of my ever present challenges with Caitlyn-I fight demons in my head 24/7 that want to swallow me into the darkness and I won't let them. I drew a picture the other day of our family. Caitlyn was piglet-small and lovable. Dad was Eeyore, grumpy,but dependable(lol) and I was Eeyore,with a Tigger jumping out. Meaning,I feel that way inside-but I force what I show to Caitlyn on the outside to be bright and beautiful and full of promise!

 It is hard to describe the feeling of not wanting to be treated as a mental patient, but maybe knowing it would be a relief if people knew you weren't as strong as they thought. Maybe they'd check on you more often, maybe they'd know your continual sunny outlook might not be a full reflection of EVERY thing going on in your life.

This depression has almost taken my life a few times and it is a daily struggle to wake up feeling like a black cloud is hovering over every step I take,but then I hear my daughter's voice ,"Hi Mom!" and pull myself out of that mind frame and give everything I have to her. I've had days where I've literally curled up in a ball,sobbing that I can't be her mom anymore and telling Matt maybe I just need to go away,but knowing she couldn't live without me and I couldn't live without her. Sometimes I feel like it takes too much grace,too much pressure,too many moments where you can't breathe,too many anxiety riddled therapy/doctor sessions,too many things to remember and too many things I didn't do that day for her,that I should have and I just crack.

I have had this since I was 15 years old and I've heard everything you could possibly hear about depression and anxiety. I've been told,"What do you have to be sad about?" (Well,let me tell you!!) I've been told if you need medication,you don't have enough faith in God to answer your prayers. I've been told so many lies that complicated an already hard journey.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant,I started reading studies on how having a mother with depression, impacts a child's life. I instantly swore that somehow,some way-I would control it and not let it hurt Caitlyn. How I thought I could do that,is beyond me-I can no more control the sun setting each day-But somehow with all the struggles she brought with her,she brought enough light for me to borrow.  I have melt-downs,I feel inadequate all the time, I cry and feel like I can't face the morning-but every time I see her, something in me just sucks it up and puts it aside and I am eternally grateful that God gives me enough strength to not let it dominate her life. I just love her too much to let my sadness and pain touch her in any way.

There is this book Caitlyn loves called, "My Mom is Great" and it says, "My mom is so great,I think my Mom is Magic." Then it talks about by night,her magic starts to fade-but no matter what,she's my mom and my mom is great. If you came to my house,you'd see my magic is starting to fade by the evening. I've held it together all day,talking to Dr.'s and therapists and Insurance people and done all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the dogs and the bills,I've done everything I could to work with Caitlyn on all the things I should and as the day comes to an end,I realize I didn't work with her as hard as I should have on feeding therapy... That she didn't take a bath...That I don't have anything to send in my husband's lunch tomorrow...that I forgot to call the Dr. for all my check-ups..that I forgot for the millionth time to take MY medicine,which helps me stay sane for HER...

"Oh Tabitha,how could you have dropped the ball on so many things? Why do you fail every day? Every single day you do something wrong!" And the exhaustion from the day creeps up on me, I start wanting to cry about everything and by the 5th time Caitlyn has knee dived me in the face,cause she wants to play rough and she still somehow has plenty of energy, I just start to cry. Then my husband asks, "Do you think she'll learn to care when people cry? Don't kids her age notice that?" And then I cry some more,cause there's one more thing I have to work on with her and my brain just can't possibly contain the thought that there's ONE more thing I have to do. Between the depression and anxiety,my head already feels just full of static-then you add on the incredible demands of my life and I just constantly wish I could sever my head from my body at bed time and just not have to think anymore!!

I am sometimes told these following top 3 phrases
(none of which help,by the way :-) 
1.Just Relax-if I could I would(of course I force myself to sometimes,but it never FEELS relaxing,cause I know I have 500 other things to do,that only I can do.)!!! 
2. Don't worry about it-Well,of COURSE I have to worry about it,cause I have to trouble shoot it,figure it out and fix it! 
3. It'll be okay-I do not always feel okay and my life is not always okay,sorry,this is not the answer! 

So,there is my secret. I am telling the world (As much of the world as you can tell,in a blog post anyway.) It terrifies me to open up,but it stresses me out more,trying to hide my struggles. I don't hide Caitlyn's,but I work so hard at hiding mine. Maybe now,I'll feel at liberty to not always have the answer,to tell someone when I'm having a really bad,depressing day and they'll understand if I can't just snap out of it. Maybe now,I'll have one less thing in my head to remember,cause I won't have to not let it slip that I'm a Bi-polar Mommy! 

In closing, if you are my friend and you see me online towards the last few hours of the day,feel free to ask me how I'm doing. Then I'll know you've read this and I'll know I can answer honestly. If the answer is honestly-I'm about to throw myself out a window :-)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSg99iA8bDQ&list=FL-pN0IHaDQSAjrxlZePVS-Q

10 comments:

  1. Remember: With God, all things are possible.

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  2. Yes,they are and He keeps doing the impossible in my life,so I believe it! :-)

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  3. Beautiful! Thank you for your honesty! This is a kept quiet subject and as mom's struggling with depression, we need to be honest about who we are and what we struggle with. I've found that being honest with it gives other mom's the freedom to breathe and say, "Yeah, I struggle with that too." Other people will think what they want, but I am loved by my God,family,close friends, and that's all that matters. Blessings to you!

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  4. :-) Thank-you! The relief that comes with acceptance,following this revelation is relieving!

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  5. I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. Your blog was recommended to me by my sister-in-law because I too have a daughter that was just diagnosed with autism. I am a stay at home mom and I also have another baby boy that just turned 5 months old. My daughter is 3 1/2. I worry about my son having autism as well. I guess that I will just have to deal with the situation if that is what God has in store for our family. I too suffer from depression and a lot of your blog really hit home with how I feel every single day. I always say, I have the hardest job that I love so much!! I am also proud to say that I have become closer with God since finding out earlier in 2012 that Carly has autism. Thank you again for sharing and I look forward to reading more.

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  6. Aww you're welcome! I'd love to hear more about your daughter! Caitlyn has a community facebook page where you can find us,if you haven't already- http://www.facebook.com/caitlyns.promise
    I understand your fears in regards to your son. I have always been worried that if I had a second child,there would be no way they would be healthy-with how many problems Caitlyn was born with. It is the hardest thing in the world,to trust God for your kids,for sure! Well,lots of hugs to you and prayers!

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  7. Tabitha, my daughter, I want you to know how proud of you I am. The Lord has made you a loving daughter, wife, and mother. You have persevered through much and still take the time to care about others. James 5:11 says , "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy."
    Also James 1:12- " Blessed is the (woman) who perseveres under trial because when she has stood the test, she will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who live Him." I love you, Mom

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  8. Thank-you Mom for all your love and support. I love you too.

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  9. Beautifully honest post. It takes a great deal of courage to speak out on a topic that is rife with undeserved stigma. Perhaps your courage will encourage others who deal with mental health issues (I am one of them) to speak out also. People need to know that there are people all around them who struggle with mental health issues and still live productive fulfilling lives. Thank you for your courage and honesty.

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  10. Thanks Skyla, it is hard to talk about because people can make so many assumptions about you;but it freed me to do so.

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