Not Afraid of the Dark

Caitlyn has been having nightmares lately and it's had me feeling bad that she can't tell me what she's thinking or that she's scared or anything about it,really. 
 I focus so much on keeping everyone updated on all the positive advancements Caitlyn makes, but that doesn't mean that we don't have sad or hard days with this autism we face daily.
 I've been thinking alot lately about just the story of Caitlyn. The two and half years to get pregnant with her,the really rough pregnancy,the birth defect and everything that followed with her health. I think about her future,what struggles she might encounter and what way I can possibly save her from as many of them as possible.
   I think about the journey of faith and despair,trust and doubt,peace and chaos that God has brought me through;knowing this will be the case for the rest of my life on this earth. 
I read a quote today that really speaks truth to the situation that I am in daily. 

 "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

There have been more times than I could possibly tell you,in my life that "going through the fire's of refinement" felt too unbearable. I wanted to jump out of the fire so many times and just throw in the towel,but at the end of the day(or month or year or however long it took) I'd find my way back to my faith and find that fighting God took far more energy and pain,then just trusting him and letting him give me peace. 
Sometimes,I've felt blindfolded during this entire process with Caitlyn, not knowing what direction God was taking us in,and I admit not being TOTALLY sure at times that he loved her more than I do and would really choose what was best for her. It's challenged me in deeper ways that you can imagine watching her be the one who struggles in life,rather than me. I would take it upon myself one thousand times over and still believe that God is just. But to still believe in his goodness,grace and justice when I watch what she's had to overcome,has taken my faith to a new level.
 I find myself in the midst of struggles oftentimes being whittled down to the absolute core of my being and staples of my faith. Here's what I know that I know at the end of the day.

1.God is good,because he gave me Caitlyn.period. In any form,with any problems she came with,not having her could never,ever be better. At the end of every day,when I'm tucking her into bed,I tell her- "Mommy wouldn't trade you for anything in the world,EVER." and she replies "EVER,ever..." and then I tell her, "I love you so much" and she says, "SO-SO"

2.God is wise,because he carved something beautiful out of a life of hardship for me,that was ultimately for my good,making me the person I am,knowing I would need this fighter's spirit and the strength to never stop climbing and never give up,so I could fight for Caitlyn.


3.God is with us. I'm reminded of the poem "Footprints" and it might be my tendency to look back and see only one set of footprints and immediately accuse God of leaving me,but during the most fragile moments in my journey through motherhood,I know He was carrying me.


4.God is faithful,even though I am so faithless.Many have said at some point in their lives, "If you only knew how bad I was,you'd know God wouldn't accept me,couldn't love me,wouldn't take me back."  And I am guilty of this,truly. I struggle to find 2 minutes in the day,where I can quiet my mind and spend time with God. The best I can do is,what I have tried to do and make him my best friend. Though I might not get much sacred time with him,he is always there,right along side me. I call to him for everything,I rely on him for strength and wisdom and pray that in some little way,He might choose to use me somehow.


5. God is merciful. I know no matter what level of understanding Caitlyn might be at,that she is HIS. He created this amazing person and He calls her by name and her soul belongs to Jesus.


6.God will always,always know better than me. Now,this is a hard thing to swallow when things are going wrong and I know that better than anyone. But I also know,I've tried all the other directions you can go in and the only one that brings me purpose and any sense of peace,is His way. This is my daily tight rope walking act,I'll tell you. Because,as a parent, you of course want your child to be happy and be healthy and have the best life they can possibly lead and I think that's a God given desire and totally normal. But what happens when things go wrong and they're not healthy and you have to question what their quality of life will be? Do you, as the above quote says,throw away your ticket and just decide God's taking this train in a direction you don't like or do you trust that you'll come through the tunnel to the otherside,through God's careful navigation?


I have chosen to trust,on the best days,on the worst days that God will navigate me better through this journey than I would do on my own. My heart aches as I write this,cause it literally hurts to trust this much about someone I love more than life. Does trusting God for your child mean you don't do everything within your human power to help them,make them happy and set them up for success in life? No,I will never stop working with her to make sure she can have the best possible life. I will never stop believing the best for her future. I will never stop trying to protect her from anything that might hurt her. That's my job as a parent,it just doesn't hurt to know that Caitlyn and myself have a heavenly parent who's looking out for us always.