Resolve with Grace: New Years Resolutions with a Twist

 I am a visual person. I am a list maker.
 I like to plan and attack..or sometimes I plan and then nap instead, but still there were good intentions,right?!
I have always been one to write New Years Resolutions. I believe in living with intentionality. I think if you visualize what you want your life to look like and write down steps that you can take of how to get there, you at least have some general direction and sense of purpose at the start of each New Year.
This last year was like any other. I went out for coffee.
 I sat alone and reflected on my life. I thought of where I am now and where I want to be. 
I pondered what kind of example I was showing my children and if I was really living up to my fullest potential and then I wrote my list accordingly.
This was just after Christmas and then right before New Years, I had a family situation knock all the wind out of me. I went into January, just trying to keep my head above water and that pattern seemed to continue for a good part of the Year.
Now, here we are in mid December and I do the thing that I always do, where I reevaluate my resolutions. I must be a glutton for punishment! I review what I accomplished and where I "fell short." 
As I sat there reading and sighing, as I scanned over each unmet resolution; I came to a really life altering revelation for me.
By all outward appearances, I actually totally bombed on a lot of what I thought I had wanted to accomplish for my year. Somehow though, I came out a stronger me than I've ever been and an emotionally freed version of myself, that I haven't met up until now.
I was able to start a very hard process of letting go of toxic people. I can finally see just the slightest bit of my worth, that no one can take away from me again. I dug to the depths of my soul and my memories, to lay to rest so many old demons and heartaches. I found the power that I have to change the voice in my head. It can be anything I want it to be. I can replace the message of self doubt, with self confidence. I can stop hearing that I'll never amount to anything and start telling myself that I am good enough and I turned into a great Mother. I can learn this incredibly illusive self love thing!
I worked SO hard on my emotional health and well being.While maybe nothing changed that you can see on the outside, I can FEEL it and THAT feels amazing. I can cope with stress a bit better. I can breathe a little easier. I can face the hard things and the difficult people I avoided.
I went into 2018 wanting to be better and I believe I can honestly say at the end of it all, that I am.
So, here I sit thinking about what I want 2019 to look like. What goal should I crush? What dream should I chase after? Should I even make resolutions?

Here's what I decided to do. Maybe you'd like to join me.
I am going to Resolve to give myself more grace in the coming year.
I'm going to make more "lenient" resolutions.
I am going to make allowances for my shortcomings, because I'm human and it's okay.
I am not going to look at a misstep, as a failure. 
If I am tired, I am going to rest. 
If I feel like I can take on the world, I will. 
I am going to be a loving Mom, not a perfect mom.
I am going to make memories for my kids, while remembering that what they will remember most is if I was a joyful person on a regular basis; not if I did grand things I can't afford.
I am going to stop comparing my behind the scenes, to another person's highlight reels. 
I am going to find things to be thankful for in every day.
If I make mistakes, I am going to show my kids the power of forgiving yourself.
If I make my list and check it twice and then at some point in 2019, decide to throw it away and start all over; I will.
 Because I will continue to change and evolve and what really matters to me and what's really best for my family cannot always be checked off a list. 
Happy New Year, Friends!
 I wish you a beautiful, fresh start filled with grace. I hope you will live your best life, whatever that looks like for you.
 I hope you can let go of the things that weigh you down and hold you back and find joy, freedom and make it the best year yet!

Find Your Voice

Motherhood is uniquely experienced by all. No two mothers are the same and no two babies are the same. So understandably, we all go through a trying to figure out what is best for us phase of parenthood.

We receive unsolicited advice from every well-meaning acquaintance we’ve ever met. We are bombarded on social media with everything we should or should not be doing. We are surrounded by constant “tips” that for a first time Mom, can be incredibly overwhelming. Enter me…

As a first-time mother of a baby with special needs, I questioned myself at every turn.

When she was first born and they told me she had a cleft palate and hearing loss, I almost immediately had a nervous breakdown in the hospital after they gave me a little brochure that stated that the absolute cause of clefts is unknown, but some contributing factors may be medications mother took in pregnancy, stress in pregnancy, mother’s weight, etc.

Oh my gosh, those all apply! This is all my fault, I thought. They sent in a counselor to talk to me as I cried that I didn’t know how I was going to take care of her.

 He asked me, “Are you going to love her?”

“Well of course”, I replied.

“Do you have a home prepared for her or is she going to live in a dresser drawer?” He questioned me.

“I have everything ready for her.” I said through tears. “I have been waiting for her my whole life.”

 “Well then”, he says, “You will learn about how to care for her the way she needs and you will love her and 

everything is going to be okay. I think you can do this.”

And do it, I did. With great fear and trembling, I took this little person home and dove head first into therapies, specialists, surgeons, special feedings and medical grade equipment in the house.

I learned how to put one foot in front of the other each day and to be what she needed, even when all my strength was gone.

I had to find MY voice as her mother, which was my greatest struggle the first 2 years of her life. I was surrounded by doctors and specialists who all thought they knew what she needed, more than I did. As a first time Mom in her twenties, it took a long time for me to realize that I know something more than they do. I know HER. My body grew her. My arms carry her. My heart aches with every little cry she utters. I know her every pattern, every sigh, every look.

 I know how to advocate for her better than anyone. I learned to trust my gut feeling and be strong for her, when I needed to.

I discovered a protectiveness that I’ve never felt for anyone else.

I formed a bond that not a person on this Earth can hold a candle to.

I watch my heart walking outside my body everywhere she goes.

Being a Mama is so heart wrenchingly beautiful. We have been given such an amazing intuition and we know our kids like no one else can.

 There are enough relatives and random strangers out there to second guess us, so let’s not do it to ourselves.

I am not going to lie, by the time I had my 2^nd and 3^rd kids, I was like a tiny Dictator to anyone who tried to give me unsolicited advice, because I trusted myself this time. I vowed to not pickup another parenting book unless it really encouraged me and uplifted me. I unsubscribed to all the “What your baby should be doing every flipping week” e-mails, because they were stressful! 

I stopped asking everyone else what they thought I should do and started to ask myself what was right for MY children.

Find your voice, Mama. Trust yourself. Give yourself grace for not knowing what you didn’t know before. Arm yourself with knowledge. Free yourself from the opinions of others.

 I always say, as long as I know I did my absolute best and my children know they are utterly loved, when my head hits the pillow each night; I can sleep in peace. Sleep tight, Mommy…for however many hours it will be till your babies crawl in bed, to find their safe place in your arms once again.

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Mama's Boy

“Baby, I need you to stop crying about everything.” I say to my 4 year old son, followed by a heavy sigh.

Another day, another sob fest about something that broke his little heart. He is my sensitive soul, my middle child, my gentle spirit.

I will painfully admit, that I don’t always handle his sensitivities in the most patient way; like my kindred gentle soul whispers to me that I should. I get frustrated at the amount of calming and coaxing I have to do. I get tired of every disappointment ending in a river of tears.

 But then I consider what kind of young man he is going to become, with all the love and sweetness he possesses and I know it’ll be a beautiful thing. Honestly, there’s not even one part of me that wants to “toughen him up.”

I watch him show an affection and tenderness for his little brother, that not a lot of boys his age are known for.

I hear him ask me to hold him many times a day, because his 

little spirit needs that physical connection to recharge and I 

think of how affectionate and loving he will grow up to be.

I listen in admiration (And a bit of exhaustion) as he expresses his feelings. “Mommy, I’m so disappointed because I didn’t get a date with you today.”       “Mom, it made me feel so frustrated when you said I have to share my new toy. It’s special to me.”                               

“Mommy, I had a really overwhelming day.”               

                                             

I can just imagine the amazing communication skills he will have in his future, that at 4 years old he can spell out his feelings instead of just turning it all into anger; as too many men in this world do.

I see all the building blocks of the amazing man he will become, if I can just nurture and embrace his sensitive spirit and not break it.

It’s hard, Mama’s. If you have an emotional, sensitive or “clingy” boy; you are not alone. I know it can take every ounce of you most days…to acknowledge, to reaffirm, to embrace, to encourage, to love unconditionally.

When his big emotions are taking over, take a step back and remember that you are the calm in his storm.

 When he trusts you enough to tell you all the things that made his day overwhelming, whether they be big or small, take a deep breath and model empathy and concern for his feelings.

When he climbs up in your lap and begs you, “Hold me, Mama. I’m having a hard day” Think of what a gift it is, that you are his safe place. You are the one he knows he can cast all his cares on.

They’ll outgrow our laps, but they’ll always be our sweet little boys in their hearts and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

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