I will try to Fix You...

Tomorrow is the day. Where I will or will not hear the words - "Your daughter is autistic"

Yes,people have told me they think she has it,she probably has it,she has all the red flags,she miserably failed the M-Chat;but noone has diagnosed her.

Should I just go in and expect them to tell me something so permanent? I suppose so. Am I fully prepared to accept those words? I don't think so.

 I think it's hard for people who aren't a parent of a special needs child to fully grasp,how each new diagnosis shapes your life and changes you and how you have to filter everything through it,in a sense.

 I am trying to be positive. It will explain a lot. She'll qualify for more therapy and help. I'm trying to trust God and not show my weakness.

But I think it's okay that I'm a little sad. I think it's normal that I'm anxious about how this will change our lives. This isn't a 24 flu people, this will impact her for likely the rest of her life and it's hard to take that lightly,as her mother.

I think it's normal that I'm scared to talk to people, because I don't want any pat answers right now. I'd rather talk to myself than someone else. And here's what I'm telling myself-

1.God knows Caitlyn and I,he knows our hearts,our fears and it's okay to be weak before him.
2.God has never left us through every sickness and bad thing that's happened to her or I,he won't leave us now.
3.God will be the best friend I have through all of this,he'll never say the wrong thing,he's not judging me,I'm not somehow falling short of his expectations of how I should handle this.
4.You're human,Tabitha. You don't want your daughter to hurt or suffer and it's okay to be sad about this and cry sometimes and wish you could make her mind and body be in perfect health.
5.Caitlyn is a gift and no matter how hard it gets,she depends on you and needs you to be strong for her tomorrow and every day after that.
6.This does not have to define her,I will not let it define her. She is still a beautiful,wonderful,sweet,funny,amazing child and her love triumphs over any delays and weaknesses she has. The good will always outweigh the bad. It has to.
7.This is just the beginning. I have her whole life to fight this and fight it,we will.

I think tomorrow,I am going to come home and retreat into my own little world and just grapple with whatever they tell me and try to come to terms with it. Because I'm sure no words will be adequate.

I am just listening to the song "Fix you" by Coldplay and I know that if I could,I would. Caitlyn,Mommy would take away all the bad if only I could.