Sometimes it
takes having a heartfelt conversation with a child, to give you the perspective
you were missing in your life. This is often the case with my 8 years old
daughter, who is wise and kind beyond her years. She sees me in a way, that I
have not yet learned to see myself. She places value on things and gives me
credit for things, that I don’t ever give myself a pat on the back for. As
backwards as it may sound, she is my role model as much as I am hers sometimes.
So many of
us speak to ourselves, using unkind and invalidating words. We look in the
mirror and say things to the reflection, that we would never say to our friends
or family or really anyone we even slightly liked! It would absolutely break my
heart if my daughter or my sons, viewed themselves in the same negative light,
in which I view myself so often. Some of the negativity can stem from our
thoughts about our external appearance, but deep down it’s usually just a deep insecurity
and lack of embracing ourselves and being proud of who we are, inside and out.
It’s about never really learning to love ourselves.
I have always struggled with how I looked and
with self-love, from as young an age as I can recall. Growing up, my thoughts,
feelings and sometimes very existence were continually invalidated. This programmed
me to believe, that I wasn’t worth anything. As I analyze my roots and why I am
the way that I am, I can see how “Never being good enough” in general; became
the lens through which I viewed every aspect of my appearance.
I grew up in
Hawaii from the time I was 7 and I was significantly taller than most of the
people there and was always asked if I was a basketball player. Not asked like
it was a normal question, but asked in amazement, as they gawked up at me; as
if I was a real life giant! Awkward…in hind sight, I shouldn’t have worn heels
that made me 6 feet tall either. That probably didn’t help my case.
I hated the
size of my feet, that my Mother always lovingly reminded me was necessary to
support my height or I’d tip right over!
I was always
at war with my weight, but more than my weight; I couldn’t stand my bone
structure. Even at my absolute thinnest, I was never going to be the short,
petite girl I wished I was.
I always see
my Dad’s nose when I look in the mirror and it is my least favorite feature on
my face.
I see
wrinkles forming under my eyes, which I choose to believe are temporary, due to
a teething toddler; rather than a permanent addition to my facial features!
I see scars
everywhere from the life I’ve survived. I see signs of the wear and tear, that
having 3 children has had on me.
Despite my
sadly constant critiques of myself, I have been very careful to not speak these
things out loud around my daughter or to in anyway encourage her to view
herself with anything but self-love and acceptance. I didn’t want her to grow
up like I did.
At the same
time that I am watching her love herself and have absolute confidence in who
she is, I am trying to grow to love myself even a touch of how much she does.
I watch her
giggle when I point out the cute freckles she’s getting around her nose. I
observe her proudly showing off the new band colors on her braces to all her
friends, without even a thought that anyone would NOT think they were super
cool. She boldly and in a hilarious, proud sort of way, will declare what she weighs
to ANY one. There is nothing about herself that she doubts or despises, as it
should be. She owns her style and everything about who she is. She is
absolutely happy with herself and how many of us can say that?!
On a regular
basis, in her own little ways and by her sweet example, I am taught self-love.
Recently, we
both got dressed up for our community’s Trunk or Treat, in matching outfits of
her choosing. Now, I am not a dress up for Halloween type…at ALL. But our kids
chose our costumes and dang it, her Dad and I were going to embarrass ourselves
and wear them!
As I looked
at myself in the mirror, I immediately started mentally critiquing myself and
thinking how I look nothing like Wonder Woman…or any super hero for that
matter!
While I was
in my own head, I heard my daughter quickly tell my Husband, “She really IS
Wonder Woman, you know. She takes care of 3 kids ALL the time. She is really
nice. She buys THOUSANDS of Christmas presents and she does everything with a
smile on her face.”
My heart
just stopped for a minute. She sees who I am, who I really am. Not my wrinkles,
or my figure or my clown sized feet! She sees my heart, my positive outlook, my
giving spirit, my love for others, my dedication to this family and my semi
ridiculous love for all things Christmas. I mean, I must be a LITTLE crazy to
buy THOUSANDS of presents, y’all.
I instantly
wished that I could learn to see myself the way she does and made a commitment
for the millionth time over to be kinder to myself and to love myself a little
more the way that she loves me.
I am ready
to change the narrative of the conversations that I have with myself. I’m going
to look in the mirror and see a survivor and an overcomer. I am strong. I am a
chain breaker and I am breaking generational habits. My kids will not grow up weighed
down by the burdens that I carried.
Every night that they go to bed, they end
their day knowing that they are loved beyond measure, for exactly who they are.
Most nights, I lay by
them till they fall asleep, after stories and prayers and I watch them
literally fall asleep with smiles on their faces. Then I go to bed and beat
myself up for all the things I forgot or didn’t do perfectly that day.
They go to bed with
smiles and I fall asleep with a panic attack! No More. I am going to finally
learn to love myself and believe that I AM enough and if I want to change
something about the reflection I see in the mirror, it’ll come from a place of
self-love, not self- loathing.
I may not be
Wonder Woman, but my kids think I’m pretty great and that is enough for me. I
am enough for me. One day, I hope I’ll climb in bed after a long day and smile,
because I lived my best and it was wonderful.
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