Someone Like You....

Yes,it's a song-but no, that's not what I'm talking about...

Did you ever utter a prayer,make a declaration,or form a plan - fueled by youthful innocence and a blind trust in God? I have...and I remember it like it was yesterday and He's still fulfilling it (like it or not sometimes!)

There is a very old song we used to sing in church and the lyrics say- "Make me like you, please make me like you. You are a servant,make me one too. Oh Lord,I am willing. Do what you must do. To make me like you,Lord. Make me like you."

I am singing it as I write,because I remember it so well.I was a pretty spiritual little kid. I would have prophetic dreams,lead worship,teach Sunday School and be probably one of the only kids on my knees in the prayer room before church would start. One particular Wednesday night,when I was about 9 years old. I was on my knees crying and I told God, "I just want to be like you. I don't care what you have to do in my life or what I have to give up.I just surrender my life completely to you." (note: the absolute trust I had,that I could say this and believe nothing bad would happen.)

That's a pretty radical offering for a 9 year old and here's the funny thing-God started shaping me; and in the way He refines most of us-I was put in the fire to burn away all that was not HIM, in me. Starting at a young age,I started facing tremendous trials-abuse,abandonment,constant surgeries and failing health,constant crippling depression... (Note:I don't believe abuse and such things are caused by God at all. It is a fallen world and people make sinful decisions,but God did use it to shape me.)

I could go on and on,but as I got older,the youthful trust started to slip away and the "Why me?" started to creep in. I started bailing on my commitment to God! "No God,I didn't mean all THIS! I didn't mean for my life to never go well!" and all I wanted to do was jump out of the fire. This never ending fire that I felt was burning me alive on a moment by moment basis. I just wanted out. I lost my vision and instead of asking myself, "What can I learn from this trial,what is God trying to change in me?" I started hating God and denying His existence for the age old trip up-If God is so loving,why do bad things happen to good people?

Many of us have wondered that right? Many of us have looked at what we're going through and thought-I'm trying to do what's right,why am I being punished? Rather than looking at his refinement as His loving us too much to leave us the mess that we (unknowingly sometimes) are. Not that I could find a reason in every bit of suffering I went through,I'll want to have a talk with Jesus in Heaven! :-)

I could detail so many losses and pains in my life that brought me to the point of just being nothing,having nothing,wanting nothing; but for life to stop. But there was a part of me,that even though I outwardly denied His existence,knew I was wrong. I couldn't bear to open my Bible for years(Other than the book of Job,you don't want to KNOW how marked up that book in my Bible is!) but I would cry myself to sleep,with my head on top of it every night.

I remember the turning point,when I finally was at rock bottom and I just told God,"I don't make any promises,but help me to find you again." I was 15 years old. Since then,did my life get any easier? Oh my GOODNESS,No! It's gotten harder and harder,but something in my spirit changed.

You can spend your whole life fighting God,pointlessly arguing that your way is better or you can lay down your sword and accept a certain peace that comes with defeat. Because it's not really defeat,you weren't winning on your own.

I truly believe that all the paths that God brought me through from my youth,is what prepared me to be who I try to be for Caitlyn now. I don't want her to watch me cursing God. I don't want her to wonder why she has to face these hard things,cause Mommy always asks why.

 I want her to know that every battle you face gives you ammunition to help someone else fight theirs! I want her to look at a hardship in her life and think. "How is God shaping me to be more like Him in this situation?" 

More than wanting to help her become a kind-hearted,helpful,humble girl who loves Jesus- I want to be that person.I want to never run away from that again. I want to be able to have open hands and say as Job did,"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away,blessed be the name of the Lord!" 

Am I there yet? Of course not, I have things I am holding with clenched fists,because the world would say that my life has taught me to be cynical of God wanting a good plan for my life. But then I look at all the bad and it prepared me for now. I needed to get it out of my system-the doubt,the questioning,the wrestling with God...I had to go through it, to know that I do NOT know better. I had to go through it, to know that I receive greater peace from laying something down,then I do by fighting for it. I had to go through it,so that I would be able to look at the glass half full. I had to be broken,so that I could be put back together the way God wants me.

And right now,He wants that little girl back,that got lost a very long time ago and He wants me to trust Him enough to repeat that same prayer and hold my arms wide open and be willing to give everything and lose everything,the way that 9 year old me was willing. 

 I know too many people that have been made to feel that they can't come back to God. That they've done too many things wrong,that they've done the unforgivable,that they've turned their back on Him too many times. I have turned away more times than I could ever tell you and I'm not proud of it,but I am always comforted by this scripture in 2 Timothy 2:13-"If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is."

It's never too late to trust again, it's never too late...