You Know Better Than I

Has anyone ever seen that movie, "Joseph,King of Dreams?" Well,there is a song in there that has always spoken to me,called You Know Better Than I and that is always the place God brings me back to.Sometimes it takes much wrestling with my Creator to accept the fact that he put me in the situations He has for a reason. Coming from a background of abuse,abandonment,severe medical problems,near death experiences,suicide attempts,etc. -I spent most of my youth wrestling with God. "Why didn't you protect me,why do I have to go through this pain. Why?"

 Then here comes Caitlyn, and here comes so many new challenges and a new battle between the maker of the universe and little old me. I remember clear as a bell,when I got the news about autism. Matt said he would watch her,so I could go to church that night and I went desperately seeking to lay down my will. I sobbed through the whole service and I'll never forget,when I was a teenager,my pastor told me to stop kicking against the goads. Which is a biblical reference,basically meaning to stop fighting God. I have never in my life heard that phrase used again; but this night when I went, The pastor was preaching on this very chapter and he just said it 3 times," Stop fighting God,stop fighting God,stop fighting God." The profoundness of him saying that hit me so hard. I couldn't stop crying. I went forward for prayer at the end of the service and I choked out the words,"They think my daughter has autism.I don't want to fight God anymore." and the woman just hugged me as my tears fell.

After a long time of speaking with this woman and receiving prayer,I knew I had two paths in front of me. One of bitterness and rage and questioning and wrestling with God or one of trust and surrender. I knew God could use my life and I was willing for that,but for God to let Caitlyn go through pain to use HER story,oh man. I didn't think I could accept that. I didn't think I could watch that. But God helped me choose the right path. I chose to always seek the Good in her life,I chose to believe that God can see the future impact this little girl will have and I just have to let Him use me to be her voice. I choose the peace that comes with acceptance,rather than to hate and turn my back on God for allowing this to happen. I chose to never give up on my daughter and trust that she will come through. I chose to accept that I am not God,I do not hold eternity in my hands. I have but a moment with this angel and I will use it wisely and seek to use our story for His Glory and Fame.

If you're in a situation in your life,that just isn't fair,that makes you doubt there is a loving God,that makes you question if God is really good,that makes you bitter instead of better.I've been there,more times that I could ever say. God has to bring everyone through their own journey to this place,but I pray you will know the peace that comes,when you finally stop wrestling God and start trying to work with Him.

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

 I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I