Breathe...Just breathe...

I was reading in this autism hand book they just gave me,how it's normal to feel like a death,when you find out your child has autism;because it's the death of your ideal child and the end of how you thought things would be.

I've felt like that since the beginning with Caitlyn,because of her birth defect and health issues;things were never what I imagined and I always felt guilty for feeling that way.

But now,I can't stuff it. It's a sadness that creeps up on me and makes me feel like I can't breathe. It's grief.

It's a fear of what her life will be like,of how I will teach her,how will I navigate school or homeschool,how will she interact with peers,how will she function in a world that is full of so many things that overwhelm her and that she doesn't understand?

I feel panic that we're still in the military and don't have a choice of what to do and where to live. I'm terrified of what the move next year will do to her,uprooting her from the only life and therapists and doctor's she's ever known. 

I want to run away some days,cause I'm just so overwhelmed and afraid.

I want to live next door to my mom.

I want help.

I want comfort. 

I want reassurance. 

I want to know what's around the corner,but I can't. I can only trust that God does know.

It's one of those nights,my chest is on fire. I can't breathe and I think I just need to curl up and cry. 

Good Night, you unfair world,you.