To the Mama Who is Living with Depression

Depression does not discriminate- from the oldest to youngest, richest to poorest, most glamorous lives to those who live in constant struggle, yet it is so taboo to speak of. 
Perhaps the most common group of people to sweep this under the rug and put everyone else's needs and feelings first, is Mothers.
I remember vividly how exposed I felt when I finally admitted to the world..okay to my blog who ARE all the people in my world, that I am bipolar.
I admitted it haltingly, concerned of who would look at me differently. 
I shyly told my story in a blog that now has the most views and comments of anything I've ever written.
 Why? Because it's real and people can relate. Perhaps you've heard the saying that sharing your story may be the key that unlocks someone else's prison. 
When someone says the words out loud, it makes you feel like you can talk about it too. You know you can have a conversation and not be judged.

I have struggled with depression since I was a young child and it finally took over, when I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old. I have been to more therapists and psychiatrists then I can count in the last 20 years and it has become a part of who I am. 
Some days are worse than others. Some seasons of life, it hangs around closer than I wish it would. Sometimes it ruins my entire day because I have several panic attacks a day or spend too much time overthinking something. 
Some days I can be more the Mom I wish to be and some days, we just survive and that is okay.

It is so strange to me that depression or anxiety is viewed by anyone as a weakness, because often it is just an emotional response to the build up of handling so much stress, juggling too many balls in the air and being stronger than anyone should have to be, for too long.
In fact, in my experience some of the most respected community members- The PTA Mom, The Pastor's wife, The Pinterest Mom...they are the ones who are silently battling depression. 
Perhaps it's because we fear that our reputations as "Super Moms" would be tarnished, if anyone really knew our struggles.
 Maybe we judge ourselves for not being able to shake this feeling and can't bear even the thought that if we tell someone, they may react in judgement too and it would push us over the edge.
So, we all just stuff it down and walk through this journey alone, when we don't have to! There is a whole community of Moms from every walk of life, going through this too. We just have to be honest and let each other in.

Let me tell you something- if you are struggling with depression, It is not your fault. It does not make you a bad Mom. It doesn't mean you don't love your children. It doesn't make you less than the Mom next door, who seems to always have it more together than you. 
It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a warrior...because no matter how many battles are going on in your head on a daily basis, you wake up. You show up. Your kids know you love them. You try your best. You give yourself grace when you think your best wasn't good enough. 
You push through your pain, while still trying to give your family a great life. 

Maybe you live with anxiety. You avoid super fun events that your family wants to go to, because it will also be super crowded and send you into a panic attack. Perhaps you overreact to every scratch and rash, because naturally your first response when you see your child break out in a rash from allergies to a laundry detergent, is that your kid has measles!! 
You feel everything 10 times more intensely than others. Your loved ones tell you to calm down, but you can't. Of course you would, if you could control it! 
That's the whole root of anxiety, isn't it? The fear of everything we cannot control, the fear of the unknown or the worst case scenario. It can be so crippling to live in a mind and body, riddled with anxiety.

I promise you are not alone. I swear to you, that it is totally okay to be a little bit of a helicopter parent. Your kids will live to tell the tale and probably, with a few less scratches and bruises..so there's that! 
They won't remember that you didn't take them to that concert, they'll remember that you stayed at home playing board games and eating ice cream. They won't hold it against you that you sent Dad to take them shopping instead of you taking them, to avoid the crowds. So long as you hand over the credit card before they go!

They will not remember your depression and anxiety as a deficiency or something that made you a bad parent. Because it isn't and it doesn't. It doesn't make you love them less. It doesn't change who you are. 
If you were a super Mom who everyone respected and came to for advice and trusted before, what changes by just saying the truth out loud? 
Now your friends just know that you are human. 
You didn't stop being strong. You didn't stop being capable. You aren't going to be an outcast.
You are going to open a dialogue that needs to exist between us as mothers. You are going to get phone calls and e-mails and private messages from other Moms thanking you and wanting to share their story with you. You are going to break the stigma, one story at a time.

The Invisible Ailment..

"What's wrong with her?" 
"If you hadn't told me,I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong."

I can't tell you how many times I've been told these things and had to explain Caitlyn's health problems. 

It is the hardest thing to suffer or have a child suffer with an "invisible ailment." 
You often don't receive the compassion that a parent with a sick child would get. There aren't visible cuts and scrapes to kiss and bandage. 
There aren't tears that come with pain,there are tears that come with doing every day things the average person wouldn't think twice about. 
There aren't just rough patches,cause you're in the hospital-there are daily struggles and when you've climbed one mountain and accomplished one thing,there's always the next 50 things waiting for you. 
It is an invisible load that we carry on our shoulders and most special needs parent's- are so strong and don't ask for people to feel sorry for them. We just want people to understand,that just because our children are not terminal or "sick," We fight a constant battle as well. 

This is not meant in anyway to diminish the struggles of parents who have children always in the hospital, I've been there too. I mean no disrespect whatsoever. Just showing how much more attention situations such as that typically get,while a parent of a child with Bipolar/Depression,Autism,Sensory Processing Disorder,ADHD and many other things often go through sacrificing every thing in their life for their child,quietly crying when the load gets too heavy,relying on just a couple hours of respite care to squeeze in a day's worth of a to do list,always in need of relief-but rarely is it provided.

Just a few of my daughter's Invisible Ailment's-

She had severe apnea and periodic breathing,so she required oxygen till she was 13 months. 

She has hearing loss,but she's not deaf-she just always needs ear tubes in,to hear well.

She has chronic lung disease-RSV,Bronchitis,Pneumonia,Tonsillitis-We've been through it all.

She was born with a cleft palate and people would say,"Oh,Thank goodness it isn't a cleft lip;so people don't see it on the outside."

She has an unspecified eating disorder and people would always say,"Oh,her weight looks healthy." Yes,that's because up till 3 years old,she still drinks over 40 ounces of liquid through a bottle. She is given thickened liquids and many droppers of vitamins and supplements to keep her healthy. She has never in life,sustained her weight on solid food.

She has a sleep disorder. There is rarely a night that she doesn't get up and EVERY thing anyone could possibly suggest has been tried and there isn't a reason the Doctor's could give us,other than they suspect children with autism's bodies don't produce enough melatonin,therefore they don't require as much sleep as the average child or are restless sleepers.

She has a sensory processing disorder. She won't eat things of different textures or temperatures. She won't wear jeans,without a big fight. She hates even a drop of water on her clothes. She gets scared upside down. She thinks light touch is pain. She hears things much louder than you or I and gets easily overwhelmed by noises and voices. 

She has Global Developmental Delay. This doesn't mean I don't work my butt off with her,it means DESPITE me dedicating my life to her,she still has some catching up to do;though I feel after a year that diagnosis can be removed-because she has come so far.

She has autism. Not high functioning, in fact when she was diagnosed she was functioning at not even ONE percent for her age range. Everything she does now is just a miracle and a result of very long days, very great therapists, and parent's who pour our lives into making hers better. 

All these things,no one can see. No one would ever know. But my life got turned upside down by all these things. Caitlyn has to work twice as hard for every bit of progress she makes.

 I lose a lot of sleep. I juggle a lot of things. I have cried many tears. I have a faith,you can't break-because sometimes it's all I have. I have a determination,only trumped by that of my daughter. 
I have a compassion for these parents,who have one or any of these issues my daughter has,because I know a little of what their days look like. I have a passion for bringing awareness to all these invisible ailments,because they're very real and they have a very big impact on our lives.